The 450 lawyers that make up the Coalition, decided last August to set their sights on Maritzo’s business, claiming that his name is “misleading” and “confuses” potential customers. “You go in looking to sue a fast food chain for making their fries too hot and suddenly you’re renting a tuxedo and you’ve forgotten about the suit that really matters - your frivolous lawsuit!” screeched an irate attorney who declined to answer any questions regarding his identity.

For his part, Maritzo says he has never encountered a patron of his business who thought he was lawyer. And in this reporter’s humble opinion, the floor to ceiling windows and sharply dressed mannequins should make it pretty clear that Suit Brokers is not a law office. You’d have to be pretty stupid to think otherwise. But apparently, these idiots are exactly the type of people the lawyers say are their most faithful customers. Dumb enough to think their hot coffee is immediately ready to inhale, dumb enough to throw their money into pointless lawsuits.

Maritzo feels the whole thing to be “silly” but it is clear that the Coalition is not joking. Since first receiving notice of the lawsuit, Maritzo’s businesses have been inundated with calls and excessive paperwork. During our hour long interview, no more than eighteen courier services stopped in to drop of subpoenas, notices of deposition, discovery and various other documents. It is apparent that the lawyers mean business and that Maritzo will have to give them what they want is he wants to avoid death by paper. So, what do the lawyers want?

The B.C.L. are demanding that all Suit Brokers close up shop, that the business change its name, or that Maritzo place business cards for Coalition lawyers in the pocket of every suit that is rented out. We telephoned Maritzo yesterday and he said he will “probably go for the business card thing.”

The internet has invaded virtually every aspect our lives, with our personal and romantic lives being no exception. The Center for Statistics and Such recently reported that over 20 million people have used online dating sites such as matchymatchmatch.org, and TruELove.net. Even if you’ve never signed up for a free trial at NeverEatAloneAgain.com (and who can honestly say they haven’t?), then you at least undoubtedly played out some of your relationship drama on the internet’s stage. Perhaps you have flirted via social networking sites, or stalked an ex via social networking sites, or declared your self taken . . . via social networking sites. No matter the medium, you’ve been there - sending the e-card, the e-mail, the e-kiss and hug. None among us can claim that our romantic selves have lived a life hermetically sealed from the permeating tentacles of technology.

And like any major movement to overtake a vast population in a short period of time, not all are happy with the change. There are those that see the influence of the digital age in our love affairs to be meddlesome and unhealthy. They have created a “backlash,” or negative response to the trend.

Folks across the country, disgusted by watching their friends and families personal dramas play out on a broadcast net of ones and zeros, have decided that matchmaking no longer belongs in our computers. They are calling for something called “extreme matchmaking.” At the forefront of this movement is “Singles and Couples United for Old-Time Romance” or “S.C.U.O.T.R.” These proponents of “old fashioned dating” offer, completely free of charge, a chance to try out “a different kind of singles scene.: Saul Merkin, chairman of S.C.U.O.T.R. says “this IS your grandmother’s matchmaker.” What S.C.U.O.T.R. offers, through Extreme Matchmaking, is unlimited access to a “old-timey matchmaker,” usually an elderly woman, who knows everyone in your community, has watched you grow from childhood, knows you better than you know yourself, and has very strong opinions about who you should be dating, and really - who you should have married five years ago when you actually had some proper baby-making years left in you - Oy!

This matchmaker, once “hired,” cannot be “fired” and will not rest until she has seen you married and pregnant. The service has already gained immense popularity - mostly among those who have tried online dating with poor results. Membership numbers grow daily and Extreme Matchmaking already claims to have testimonials from over fifty “happily married couples.”

But much like the iPhone case made from hundreds year old polished oak and Victorian age brass — in a Steam Punkian sort of gesture — Extreme Matchmaking relies heavily on technology, using free software downloads to put you in contact with your very own “traditional” matchmaker.

Alan Smithson, also 28, grew up down the street from Tinnert in the suburbs on the north side of Chicago. They attended the same elementary, middle and high school and were close, though not best, friends. Smithson has since moved away to St. Louis, Mossuri but returns to the Chicago area every winter to spend the holidays with his family. Smithson recalls that for the last 12 years, Tinnert has not once failed to recount, in great detail, how in the tenth grade, Ms. Ackers gave Tinnert a “C” in Geometry, despite his “totally deserving a B.”

“Every year it’s the same thing,” says Smithson. “Chuck will be totally fun and awesome, but man, around beer number six or seven, he’ll get this look on his face and you just know you’re in for it.” The “it” that Smithson speaks of consists of a 45 minute average rant about what a bitch Ms. Ackers is and how she “totally had it out for him from day one.” Tinnert will recount how he consistently received B’s on all his tests and turned in “most of his homework on time.” Yet, despite this evidence of obviously deserving a “B” in Geometry, Ackers gave Tinnert a “C.”

Another long time friend of Tinnert, Tom Overton concurs with Smithson. “He does it every year at Billy C’s Christmas Party. He’ll start drinking and we’ll all be talking about high school and the stupid stuff we used to do and then Chuckie will say ‘Hey, who remembers Ackers?’ or something like that. Then he won’t shut up for like a hour about this teacher and how she screwed him over. It was funny the first few years but man, it’s been like ten years now, you think he could just drop it already.” Overton is considering not attending the local holiday parties this year and says his decision is greatly influenced by Tinnert.

Tinnert left Chicago directly after high school and attended the Univ ersity of Michigan for four years, recieving his Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science. He then moved back to Chicago, into an apartment above his parent’s garage and has lived there ever since. He works at a local law office as a Administrative Assistant and has a nice car and a girlfriend of two years. When asked how the notorious “C” has impacted his life, Tinnert shakes his head, pops open another Miller High Life and says, “I got a B on every goddamn test! How do like 10 B’s equal a C? It doesn’t make sense!”

This year, amongst the predictable (Giant Panda, Australian Sea Turtle) and the insignificant (Jerusalem Dwarf Mite, Tropical Stone Fish) there has arisen a new darling; the Indonesian Cerulean Barbet is now commonly referred to as the “Lawyer-bird” and its popularity is skyrocketing. Environmentalist discussion boards are abuzz with the topic. Some have gone so far as to speculate that this intriguing fowl will become the new face of Endangered Species and perhaps Environmentalism altogether. Others argue that our Lawyer-bird is nothing but a trendy passing fancy.

The lasting popularity, or staying-power, of the Indonesian Lawyer-bird is yet to be seen, so let’s take a look backwards instead. The Lawyer-bird was discovered five months earlier by two amateur bird watchers whose yearly retreats bring them to a secluded section of jungle. “It’s pretty remote - it has to be - we’re having a torrid affair and our wives can never find out,” commented one of the men. After years of observation, the men determined that there was something special about the bird and took footage of it back to the local university where it was studied by behavioral ornithologists.

What transpired yet can only be called a “nerd fest” or “dork off” as footage of the bird traveled the world via email attachment until the leading theorists in bird behavior had seen it and come to the same remarkable conclusion: this unique species of bird appears to be a practitioner of law. “Lawyer-bird is actually a bit of a misnomer,” reported Dr. Samuel D. Lorentzo via telephone on Thursday, “it’s actually more of a Judge-bird or Justice-bird!”

The bright blue and black avian creature is a near cousin of the Bird of Paradise and acts behaviorally very similar. Using elaborate displays, an awkward dance and a series of strange clicks the lawyer-bird appears to be passing out judgments onto the other birds. Whereas most use their displays to garner a mate, the lawyer-bird settles disputes, determines guilt and innocence, and decides punishments in the bird community.

Unfortunately, these judgements seem to go by as unnoticed and unheaded by the other birds. It unclear whether they do not understand the lawyer-bird or simply do not respect him. There are currently no police-birds to enforce the laws of the lawyer-bird in known existence. Scientists and law professors studying the birds decisions find the lawyer-bird to be conservative in his decisions and agree that he would most likely “have a strict interpretation of the bird-law.”

Los Angeles, CA - The official announcement that America is in a recession came right on the heels of Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the season. (Incidentally it is called Black Friday because black is the only color dark enough to hide the shame we should all be feeling knowing that a man was trampled to death so that someone could pay $4.99 for a copy of whatever crap Ashton Kutcher most recently barfed out.) Is it a mere coincidence that the binge of post-turkey spending should bring on a rancid purge of economic trouble? Or is the almighty Thor punishing us? It’s the second one, but that’s not the point. Americans are now facing the biggest spending time of the year, and its looks like old Saint Nick might be a little lean this year. But just cause the bottom of your Christmas tree will be empty as your wallet, be not afraid.

Green is the color of this Christmas. Environmentalism is hotter than your knock-off Loius Vitton. Follow these pieces of advice this holiday season and stay on the cutting edge of culture while also saving money.

1. Don’t go anywhere. Traveling is overrated and spending time with relatives is the quickest way to kill the holiday spirit. Blame the high cost of gas, and “caring about the planet” and forgo the flight or road trip out to see Nana. She’ll last another year.

2. I know that no one wants to be that crazy cat lady that washes and reuses scraps of tin foil, but recycling doesn’t have to be creepy. Instead of throwing away your holiday decorations, put them in a box and put the box in your basement, attic or closet. This time next year, you can take it out and re-use those same decorations. My family and I started doing this last year and boy did we save a bundle! Instead of burning our plastic Christmas tree ornaments in a massive bonfire on the 26th, we burned our wrapping paper instead. We kept the ornaments and are going to reuse them this year! Even my hubbie got involved, deciding he would try not throwing away the Christmas lights after New Years.

3. Fake your death and the death of your spouse the day before Christmas. The children will be so distraught they will forget all about presents. Later reveal yourself alive and declare it to be a “Christmas miracle!” That should be all the presents they need. (Warning: this will not work in your children hate you.)

4. All too frequently, we spend money on buying presents for people we do not even like. Tell any non-essential friends and family that you have converted to a new and strange religion and therefore will not be participating in any of their “heathen rituals.”

5. Another cheap gift idea: tell friends and family that you made their present this year then proceed to give them any old piece of garbage. They will be forced to pretend they like it.

With all the money you’ll save, you can finally buy that endangered species fur wrap you’ve always wanted!

Happy Holidays and may all your Christmases be Green.

While not as immediately visible as commuter bikers, those die-hard riders who have committed to a bike-style abound. Evidence of LA bike culture can be found in the group: Urban Ridahs, a hundreds strong group of cyclists who get together every Tuesday night to ride together in celebration, and sometimes, protest. They will take over whole intersections, stopping traffic and ruining business for street vendors. These rides frequently will have a theme such as Ocean Breeze: a ride along the coast from Malibu to Long Beach. Another popular, though hard to complete, ride is the In-N-Out crawl: a ride that features stops at all twenty-two of Los Angeles County’s popular hamburger chain. Most of these rides leave participants feeling euphoric and accomplished. But last Tuesday, disaster struck.

No one is quite certain whose idea it was or why it was so enthusiastically embraced but somehow the week’s ride theme was deemed: The Potholer, a scenic tour down Culver City’s most rough and ragged alleys. It is important to note that these rides take place at night and most alleys are not well-lit. The ride also featured some of the most neglected pavement Los Angeles county has to offer and moments into the ride, several injuries had already occurred. Some were hurt by riding head-on into nasty pot holes, flipping bikes and crushing body parts against asphalt. Many others were injured while suddenly trying to avoid a pot hole and crashing instead into their fellow cyclists.

Despite these pit falls, the ride continued until midnight, at which point ambulances had been called a total of nine and one half times. Some locals later reported having seen several cyclists hoist their injured comrades onto handballs and ride them directly to the local emergency room at Our Sister of Misery. Those lucky enough to avoid injury were left emotionally damaged, shedding tears over popped tires, broken chains and mangled spokes.

To fill the gaping wound created by our newly found political interest now that the election has come and gone, we must turn to something similar but much less exciting. The American public has spoken and the methadone to our heroin shall be: relentless speculation as to who Obama will appoint, pick and deem to be our cabinet members, committee chairs and superior alien overlords. It is actually JUST LIKE that episode of West Wing where they show where everybody was when they were asked to join Bartlett’s staff. Remember how CJ fell into her pool? Good times.

Unfortunately, we are still months away from an Obama white house and little is certain as to who will comprise this federal dream team. What we do know however is who will not be asked to serve at the pleasure of the 44th President of these United States. The man who took the roundhouse kick off the streets and into our living rooms, the legendary actor/sportsman/hot air balloon pilot: Chuck Norris.

At the premiere of Madagascar 2: Escape to Whateverwhocares on Friday night, Norris leaked to VH7’s VJ Kinney McTranny that he was promised a spot in McCain’s cabinet. “Nothing was set in stone, mind you, but the phrase ‘Secretary of Defense’ was being kicked around,” said Norris. Norris went on to express disappointment at McCain’s loss and trepidation of an Obama presidency. “I will run in 2010 if I have to!” Norris yelled into a camera at one point during the interview.

Norris is one of many celebrities who has of late found themselves getting involved in political matters. While wildly popular amongst Hollywood elites, the citizens of Main Street, USA seem to prefer their celebs to stick to the gossip pages. All this was inferred by watching Norris’ ratings dip on Pollster.com. And so Norris will remain, as wed prefer he did, safely within our television sets, far, far from having real politcal power. Can you imagine what would happen if we actually gave an action hero poltical power? For some, this dream might have already become an all-too-real nightmare (I’m looking at you, California) but for our nation at large, it is not too late to hope. Hope that Norris stays the hell away from Washington, D.C.

Jones went out last Friday night with several other women to celebrate a friend’s job promotion. After a few hours of drinking, the ladies found themselves at one of the few bars in town that offers karaoke. “I never would have done it if I wasn’t wasted,” recalls Jones who was on her seventh whiskey sour at the time. As Jones tells it, she began to sing “Islands in the Stream,” performing both sides of the duet and once she got started, she did not want to stop. She went out to perform ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” and the traditional folk ballad “Danny Boy.”

Several friends who witnessed the event, as well as the karaoke DJ, all described the evenings festivities as “like watching a train wreck happen in reverse.” Meredith Montag, the receptionist at Jones’ office, elaborated, saying, “at first it was ridiculous. A lot of laughing and forgetting the words and just totally embarassing herself. But then she got a little better. And a little better. And soon it was clear she was really into it and that made her good at it. I think she ended up doing like seven songs.”

Apparently the night left a lasting impact on Jones, who did not show up for work the following Monday or any day after that. “I just didn’t realize how awesome it is,” says Jones of karaoke. “And you really don’t have to be a good singer. I thought it was only for American Idol hopefuls and you know, those weirdo businessmen who totally could have been the next Sinatra but gave up on their dreams.” So now Jones has begun to dedicate her life to spreading the word about the Japanese singing sensation that most people discovered in the late eighties. She reports to have no plans to return to work, or bathe.

“All that matters now is that people know. They have to know. Kareoke is the best. I don’t know why anyone does anything else.” When pressed for more specifics on what exactly makes kareoke so great, Jones declined to answer, obviously pretending to not hear the question. As this reporter walked away, Jones could be heard to sing, “islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong, sail away with me, to another world…”

Wall Street, Main Street, Regal Sunset Lane – it seems wherever you live, the economy is there and it’s about as uplifting and easy to understand as a Tarkovsky film. But, as the saying goes, there is a silver lining to every economic disaster. And while many are feeling the crunch of crumbling banks and skyrocketing interest rates, there is one group that is finding itself on the upside of this downturn.

Imaginary businesses are reporting record increases in their quarterly reports. Those that make their living providing imaginary goods and services are breaking their imaginary bank accounts. “There simply isn’t enough room in my company safe for all the money I’ve made lately!” said “Colonel” James Oregon, pointing to the shoebox by his television. Indeed, it is overflowing with rocks, twigs, magazine cut-outs and troll dolls. Oregon runs a company out of his studio apartment called “Dreams and Things.” He claims to make dreams for local residents. I asked him if people paid him for these dreams, which voluntarily come to dreamer while sleeping. He replied that indeed they did “But people are shy. They don’t come to my house and give me money and say, ‘Thanks Colonel! It was awesome eating marzipan with Bjork last night!’” When asked how he receives payment from these “shy” patrons Oregon explained that his customers leave him money where they know he will find it. “Look!” he exclaims, motioning to some gum wrappers on the ground, “this was just sitting next to the garbage can at the library!”

Economists are scrambling to explain why these business have proved safe guarded from the crisis. And more than a few government officials are suspicious of their success. While companies across America are reporting record layoffs, imaginary businesses are looking to hire more employees, posting ads on non-existent jobsites like shmegslist.org and dreamcareer.com. While they don’t offer pay, they do have exceptional benefits. One recent post boasts a “relaxing 333.33 hour work week, company Unicorn and tons of room for advancement up the bean stock.” One theorist theorized that perhaps these imaginary companies are prospering “because they accept fake money in engage for their imaginary goods and services.” When asked to comment, Nancy Vargas, head of the Gooder Imaginary Business Bureau said, “This is 100% true. Imaginary businesses accept all forms of currency: flowers, soup, invisi-bucks, pesos and of course, the most popular - Monopoly money.” Music to the ears of those who are finding real American greenbacks hard to come by.