Speaking to an AP reporter after a particularly grueling town hall in which five separate individuals raised concerns about “death panels”, and two individuals warned the President “not to socialize medicare,” Obama was quoted as saying:

“After weeks of town hall meetings, and listening to citizens tell me their concerns, I have determined that government run euthanasia might not be such a bad idea after all.”

While the President was vague on specifics, he said that the panels will be pushed for in the next draft of the health care bill, and that they would focus “on those who are simply too stupid to live, like that woman in the front right.”

News of the President’s reversal in his death panel stance produced strong reactions from both sides of the aisle, with many democrats expressing alarm, and many others – similarly frustrated by the recent discourse – welcoming the move.

“After hosting numerous town halls, I can say with total confidence that my constituents deserve death panels,” said Massachusetts representative Barney Frank.  “Particularly that crazy woman from last week AND her whore of a mother.”

Republicans, however, seemed firm in their opposition, with Sens. McCain and McConnell both moving quickly to blast the statement.

“This is fundamentally wrong,” said Senator McConnell.  “The government should not be telling people to die.  This is the job of private industry.”

“Whenever government gets involved in trying to run things, it spells trouble,” McConnell elaborated in written statement later in the day.  “Death panels should be run by the private insurers, not government bureaucrats.”

Former G.O.P. Presidential candidate John McCain had some particularly harsh words for his former opponent, calling Obama “naive” and “short-sighted” in an editorial for the Washington Post.

Citing the longer life-expectancy of countries like Canada, England, Japan, Germany, Norway, France, and others, McCain wrote that “government run health-care has been a disaster wherever it has been attempted.  Countries which have socialized their medicine seem incapable of running a decent death panel.  Death can be delayed for weeks and even years in these socialist systems. I trust the ingenuity of the American capitalist spirit to ensure the efficiency of our death panels, and I will oppose any plan that threatens to take them out of the hands of private industry.”

Whether or not the President will be successful in his new direction for healthcare remains to be seen, and he will no doubt have some large hurdles to climb.  However, some political commentators have expressed a belief that this amended bill will be able to find enough support in the Senate and the House to override any filibuster.

“I don’t think many people understand how frustrated members of Congress are right now,” said Democratic commentator and James Carville.  “Promising that they might get to help kill people is the one thing that might be able to unite Republicans and Democrats.  Seriously, I think the reversing his position on Death Panels is the best move the President has made.”

“World of Warcraft has an economy that is strong and trustworthy, and attaching our economy to this one is an important step in getting our country back on track,” explained Geithner. “By marrying the dollar to World of Warcraft gold, we may be able to achieve the economic strength enjoyed by Dwarven Miners, or the Blood Elves.”

Geithner asked that congress move quickly on this proposal, as “a delay of even a month could endanger our recovery, and doom us to the economic status of the tree dwelling Night Elves.”

Geithner’s proposal has been met with mixed responses. Democrats, by in large, seem to support Geithner’s plan, while Republicans have signaled opposition.

“This is nothing but wealth redistribution,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Nearly all of World of Warcraft wealth is held by the nations poorest 5%. Making World of Warcraft Gold into legal tender is part of a radical socialist agenda that we must stop at all costs.”

Former Speaker Dennis Hastert agreed, adding “Geithner’s proposal is dangerous, and makes us staggeringly vulnerable to foreign interests. Significant amounts of World of Warcraft Gold is owned by Korea – legitimizing this currency could make us as weak as a level 4 Druid. Geithner is such a n00b.”

Republicans are not alone in their opposition to Geithner. Although most gamers welcomed Geithner’s plan, many World of Warcraft veterans have voiced concern over the legalization of World of Warcraft gold.

Said level 75 Gnome Mage Pom Pom: “This new recovery plan will permanently damage the World of Warcraft economy, and is an infringement on the rights of WOW players. World of Warcraft gold is much more valuable than the American dollar, and equating the two through an unfair law will cause significant unrest. Not even a million dollars can buy +3 enchanted shoulder pads, which run only 500 in World of Warcraft gold.”

Nonetheless, in spite of criticism from the right and from the virtual, most political observers say that Geithner’s plan is bound to pass through congress quickly.

“It’s important to remember how popular President Obama still is, and how desperate many in congress are to take action – any action,” said University of Michigan Political Science Professor Gary Vanderbuilt. “Nobody knows what to do, which means any and every idea is attractive. And I think that the plan is bound to get a few Republican crossovers voting for it, as both Senators Arlen Specter and Sam Brownback are huge gamers, with significant amounts to gain.

Geithner, for his part, stands by his plan and is confidant it will pass.

“Getting out of this economic rut is not going to be easy,” he told Congress. “But it is with bold action that we will do so. We cannot improve the economy with business as usual and economic Band-Aids any more than we can defeat a mega boss demon by just healing all the time. We need to approve this bold action now, and become the level 80 nation that we fully capable of being. Also, fuck the Horde.”

The unusual side effects, which occur in as many as 2% of women who drink Red Bull while pregnant, were first reported by researchers at the University of California San Francisco, who used a study group of over 800 women over a course of 3 years. The researcher’s results were published last fall, but the FDA and Red Bull executives had until yesterday been resistant to acknowledge the group’s findings. Now with the FDA seeming to validate the researcher’s claims that “Red Bull directly contributes to leathery, bat-like appendages which grow out from the child’s shoulder blades”, Red Bull is scrambling to prepare for huge losses and numerous lawsuits.

“Red Bull is disappointed with the FDA’s action, and does not think that such action was necessary,” said Red Bull spokesman Tyler Cowell in a prepared statement. “Our company has acted responsibly and will continue to act responsibly.”

Public outcry over the Red Bull energy drink’s side effects has been understandably high. Red Bull, which has cornered half of the energy drink market in the United States (and is large outside of the country as well), “has a clientele that is both numerous, and heavily caffeinated,” said Yale Law Professor Laura Bernard. “This is a pretty good recipe for a lawsuit storm.”

“The fact that the FDA approved this product in the first place will likely also have repercussions,” continued Bernard. “This is going to be blow up huge, and take a lot of people down with it.”

Gavin Tyson, an FDA lawyer, disagrees.

“There is no basis for a lawsuit, because there are no damages,” explained Tyson. “So far the only allegations are that this product gives children wings. Have you ever met a child who did NOT want wings?”

Bernard, however, is not convinced that Tyson’s argument will hold up in court. “Children as a rule want to fly – flying is the whole point, not the wings,” said Bernard. “As of yet, none of the children who have been born with these wings have succeeded in achieving flight. Until they do, I think the Red Bull is going to get sued, and I think that the FDA is going to get sued for approving the product. And they are both going to lose.”

There are signs that Red Bull executives privately agree with Bernard, and may believe that they are indeed vulnerable from a legal standpoint. According to several inside sources, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, Red Bull has this last week alone spent fifteen million dollars in research and tests.

“The purpose of these experiments is principally concerned with creating stronger wings that will allow a child to become airborne” said one source. “We’re hoping to achieve a flying child long before this thing reaches the courts.”

“This is shocking, completely shocking,” began CNN contributor Melinda Torres. “Well, actually, not that shocking.”

“I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Washington Post’s Chris Cizilla. “But I really should have. Her behavior for the last six months is perfectly in line with a meth addict.”

Palin, who hails from the methamphetamine capitol of Alaska, came into the national spotlight last fall when she was nominated to be John McCain’s running mate. Initially well received due to her ability to energize a crowd, Palin quickly became an object of criticism due to her widely panned interviews with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. She was then spotlighted frequently by the news media as being “off script” from the McCain campaign, with several senior McCain aides saying that the governor was “going rogue.”

“All the signs were there right away,” said Cizilla. “She displayed extreme paranoia in regards to the McCain staffers combined with a feeling of personal invincibility. And during the Couric interviews, you can see her giving rambling convoluted answers to pretty clear and simple questions. We all assumed she was just undisciplined as a politician. Now it’s clear that she was high.”

“Her war with the press also makes great sense in light of the rehab,” agreed University of Oregon Psychology professor Nina Brian. “We all interpreted as just a very passionate adherence to a tried and true Republican tactic, but it was much deeper than that. The paranoia and animalistic defensiveness displayed was perfectly in line with that which is displayed by a crack addict. It’s the feeling that forces are turning on you unjustly, but most importantly, it’s combined with a near psychotic belief that you can beat these forces through sheer will.”

After the campaign’s conclusion, Palin surprised many by forcefully staying in the spotlight, and frequently fueling late night comedians with strange statements and continued feuding with the now defunct McCain campaign staff. In November, she famously did a photo op in front of a slaughterhouse featuring a turkey (which she presumably didn’t see) being slaughtered just behind her. Most recently, she put many a tabloid star to shame with an incredibly public feud with Levi Johnston, the ex-fiance of her daughter and the father of her grandchild.

“Governor Palin’s behavior in the recent months has been far more in line with your average coke addict than your average politician,” said UC Berkeley Psychology professor Dean Gordon. “A normal politician would mediate all actions based on the public appearance generated. Palin, on the other hand, seems to choose her actions based on their size, with little regard for embarrassment or side effects.”

Palin’s move this week throws into question the fate of the Alaska government, as well as American Chopper and several other television programs on which the governor has made plans to appear.

In a brief press conference, State Senator Daniel White said “We are confidant that we will be able to work with the Lt. Governor to keep Alaska moving until the Governor recovers.”

Representatives from American Chopper have thus far refused to comment.

The movie is about a man whose abiding love for all creatures weird, wild and wonderful prompts him to support himself by rescuing animals from harmful situations, and it boasts no small amount of animals onscreen at any given moment. Not one to waste an opportunity to broaden her friends’ minds, Umbilika told the group as many pertinent facts about each animal as she could remember.

“I think I might have started it,” says friend Jocelyn Ornz. “In the beginning of the movie Jim Carrey is pretending to be a UPS man so that he can steal the little dog back from the mean fat guy. When that little white fluffball popped his head out from Jim Carrey’s shirt, I just lost it. It was so cute, I just said that out loud: ‘That’s so cute!’ Now I realize that might have let her feel she could speak during the movie.”

According to reports, Umbilika allegedly told the group that it wasn’t called a “little white dog,” but a “Shih Tzu”, a Chinese dog descended from one of the most ancients breeds of dog. She went on to speculate that it may have been a struggle for the movie production to get the Shih Tzu to the set because many airlines will not ship that particular breed if the flight will be more than 75 degrees Fahrenheit due to the Shih Tzu’s sensitivity to warm temperatures. Umbilika is said to have concluded her description with the fact that yes, Shih Tzu’s are quantifiably one of the cutest dogs in existence.

At this point in the film, the action jumps to the Miami Dolphins training facility where their mascot, a real dolphin, is captured and loaded onto a tarp to be taken away. An exact transcription of the movie night taken by Gooden Dunn, an over-eager courtroom stenography major, illuminates Umblika’s excitement at seeing the dolphin.

Umblika: Ooh, did you all see that? That was a dolphin! It was tough to see but I’m guessing it’s a Common Bottlenose, based on size, color, and the fact that the Common Bottlenose captured the American imagination in Flipper, 1964. I’ll bet the fish the bad guys fed it to lure it over was an adolescent King Mackeral, more commonly called a Kingfish, which are plentiful off the coast of Miami.

Trey Peterson: Gee, thanks for that helpful and informative tidbit, Skipper.

Gooden Dunn: (in the style of Ace Ventura) La-hoooo-ser!

Witnesses to the event report being stunned by the breadth of Umbilika’s knowledge. In some, but not all accounts, the depth, height, and/or width of her knowledge was also mentioned.

“It never ceases to amaze me how the smartest people can be so goddamn stupid,” says Trey Peterson, creator and performer of the snarky comment seen above in the transcript. “It’s not that she was wrong about anything and under different circumstances all that crap about the animals might actually be interesting. Impressive, at least. She’s just an idiot is all.”

Although the first ten minutes of the movie certainly provided opportunity for Umbilika to showcase her knowledge and enlighten her friends, the last three minutes that the group watched proved to be an overwhelming onslaught of animal factoids the likes of which no man should be forced to endure. For those of you familiar with the film, you may have guessed that this is the part in which Jim Carrey arrives back at his apartment after successfully returning the Shih Tzu to its rightful owner, being duly compensated for his efforts, and convincing his landlord that he’s not keeping any animals in his apartment. As soon as he closes the door, of course, all hell breaks loose as the dozens of animals he is harboring in the apartment come bursting forth. The effect of so many animals to categorize and describe all at once was disastrous for both Umbilika and her friends. Gooden Dunn’s transcript shows the horror:

Umbilika: Oh wow, there’s a basset hound, derived from the French “bas”, which means “low”. Originally bred to have osteochondrodyplasia, or dwarfism. Don’t let them swim, the short legs can’t take it! Um, so many birds, what are they? Oh, ah. Oh, it’s a smooth-coated otter, Lutrogale perspicillata. Found in the Indomalaya ecozone, what’s it doing in a Miami toiletbowl? Ah! Skunk! Mephitis Mephitis! Well developed anal scent glands! Ooh, capuchin monkey! Um, uh, only sleeps at lunchtime, trained to help quadraplegics and serve food in restuarants while wearing silly hats! Oh! Squirrel! Um, uh…nuts! Penguins! Magellanic penguins! Kingdom: Animalia! Phylum: Chordata! Class: Aves! Dear God, so many parrots! Ah! Ah! Chameleon! Raccoon! Ah!

Trey Peterson: Turn it off! She’s having a seizure! Gooden, you have the remote! Quit writing! Gooden, Jesus Christ!

Umbilika was eventually hospitalized that night. Her friends say they will never watch another movie with her ever again – not at all because she was extremely annoying and ruined their happy nostalgia with her know-it-all interruptions and fun facts. Those, her friends say, were so interesting and so thoughtful. They are only concerned for her health and so they wish it to be known that their request that Umbilika never come back was not motivated out of dislike for such an accommodating friend, but due to the fact that there could be animals around at any moment and they would not want to get so worked up again.

Currently at the Leahi Hospital with her jaw wired shut and Planet Earth on BluRay, Umbilika is more than ok with that.

Forino slept on this futon for the remainder of his college years, then packed it up with him as he moved away and began his first in a series of crappy underpaid jobs, including: short order cook, watch salesman at Macy’s and night shift security guard at an upscale apartment building in San Francisco. The apartments may have changed, but futon (and the sheets) never did.

A year ago, Forino moved to a small house in Santa Cruz where he works as a journalist for a small local magazine. He enjoys the steady paycheck and of course, the fact that it gives him plenty of time to pursue his true passion: surfing. Forino returned to Ikea recently to purchase furniture for his new house. Among a bookshelf, kitchen table and set of drawers, Forino also bought a bed frame and mattress. “I moved the old futon in the garage,” says Forino. “That was about seven months ago. I just couldn’t get rid of it. It had so many memories!” Truly, the stains on said lumpy futon could tell many a tale of wonder and intrigue, but Christine Hath, Forino’s girlfriend, decided these were stories not worth hearing.

“Christine really put her foot down,” says Forino, who – at his girlfriend’s request – spent the past weekend cleaning out the garage and throwing out the items from his past that he no longer uses. “I gave away my cassette tape collection, some clothes and yeah, the futon. At first I put it on craigslist, yeah know, thought maybe I could find it a good home. I had a few emails, some interest, a couple people came a checked it out, but yeah, I guess it’s pretty old and stained. There’s a tear on one corner from when it got caught in my car a few years back.”

So, in the end, Forino decided that the street was the best place to lay his beloved futon to rest. “At least it’s not a dumpster. Here, maybe someone will drive by and see it and want to take it home with them.” So far, the only people that have shown interest are a local homeless couple who were seen fornicating on the futon.

Limbaugh has been the center point of an argument regarding the leadership of the Republican party that has been playing out in the press for over a month, with many political observers noting that Republicans seem wary of distancing themselves from the often inflammatory host. A recent interchange with RNC Chairman Michael Steele, in which Limbaugh demanded Steele apologize for calling him an “entertainer” who makes “ugly” comments, resulted in Steele retracting those comments on several talk shows. This and other stories like it have naturally given momentum to the speculation that Republicans are afraid to go against the Radio host for fear of the sway he holds with their constituents, yet even with this history Limbaugh may be testing the limits of his influence. In his radio show, which aired yesterday morning, Limbaugh heavily criticized those that have been distancing themselves from his rhetoric, and said that:

“Republicans in congress need to prove who’s side they are on – President Obama and the big government socialists – or the conservative base of the country. I call on all Republicans to denounce the people like Michael Steele who are interested in misinterpreting me and helping the liberals. And to I call on them to prove their loyalty to me by giving me a sacrifice.”

Many in congress have appeared skeptical about the idea of owing sacrifice to Limbaugh, but most have taken action to avoid invoking the wrath of the radio host who has in the past expressed no hesitation in using his listening base against a Republican congressman. Utah Senator Robert Bennett almost immediately announced that he would be “sacrificing three of my finest oxen in honor of the great Limbaugh,” and Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina pledged “a full grown, strong goat” to honor the radio host.

Still, some Republicans expressed frustration and resistance to Limbaugh’s request.

“This is exactly what the Democrats want,” said Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe. “When Rush Limbaugh makes a demand like this, Democrats put it into fifty TV spots to make it look as though we take all of our cues from a radio host, which is just ridiculous. I’d say more on the subject, but I’m really overloaded trying to corral the virgins and livestock needed.”

Speaking on CNN’S The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, Indiana Senator Richard Lugar delivered the strongest criticism of Limbaugh, saying that “Limbaugh is not the boss of me,” and criticizing the host for his “over the top demands.” However, after a stinging rebuke from Limbaugh this morning, Lugar quickly scheduled a press conference in which he proceeded to “beg forgiveness from the almighty Rush God, and declare my shame for displeasing you! I offer you a host of livestock to appease your holiness, and my young daughter, that she may sate your anger!”

“I’m interested in pursuing my sport,” said the tennis star, who was wearing a low-cut red tank-top. “I don’t want to just be eye candy, I want to be a role model to young people and a real competitor.”

Stefanopolis, who’s measurements are 36C-24-36, complains that too often she is simply objectified, and hopes that her tennis record will be thought of as the real story, rather than her beautiful smooth legs, firm breasts, and perfect abs. After her success at the Australian Open this last year, during which she wore an entirely black outfit, tight around the hips and waist, which gave generous views of her bare legs (as well as her breasts), Stefanopolis expresses confidence that her image in the public will shift to a more serious nature.

“I think I’ve started to prove myself,” said Stefanopolis, flashing a succulent smile with her full, red, enticing lips, and running a hand through her luscious, smooth, sweet-smelling hair. “There are still some who doubt me, I’m sure, but I’m earning peoples respect for how I play, and not for what I wear. And I’m going to keep on doing that.”

Stefanopolis, who sat with her long tanned legs crossed during her interview, uncrossing them twice at 5 minutes and 15 minutes in, has beautifully sculpted calves, and has expressed interest in cultivating an image less aloof than she is currently considered. She insists that this is well worth any hit she may take in terms of her popularity. “The Press makes a big deal of an athlete being good looking, and I’ve gotten some sponsors off of it, I know. But I don’t want that to be my legacy. If I lose those endorsement deals, so be it – I’m not going to be defined by something so irrelevant to my sport as physical attributes,” said the athlete, while her supple breasts pressed stubbornly against the fabric of her shirt.

Stefanopolis is seeded 17th at Wimbledon this year, and she is very excited to compete. She will be wearing a blue spaghetti strap tank-top which will cover her generous breasts, and hopefully be short enough to also reveal her smooth, firm stomach, as well as a short white pleated skirt, just barely covering the matching white spandex which will be hugging her firm beautiful buttocks.

Exactly how many units were heated is unknown, although experts predict that as many as 250-300 units were heated.

Just how one unit heater could have single-handedly heated so many consecutive units is a mystery to most. But not to George Goolart, who professed to having seen the same thing happen once before.

“Sure, I’ve seen this kind of unit heating before. Sometimes it just gets so that a whole lot of units need heating all at once and you’ll just get tons of units heating up,” said Mr. Goolart, continuing to remind us that, [he's] seen all kinds of unit heating over the years.”

While Mr. Goolart’s input was entirely useless, he did touch on one aspect of the miraculous unit-heating that has had an effect on most people in the small wintry community: the immense relief brought about thanks to such an extensive and exhaustive unit-heating.

“It’s about time some units got heated around here,” said Sean Toddy, an expert on unit heating. “I mean, I can definitely think of at least one unit that was in need of heating really bad for way too long.”

As of press time, it is widely believed Mr. Toddy was referring to his own unit.

Aides to President Barack Obama have been complaining this past of week of the President’s behavior during meetings.  Speaking on condition of anonymity, several high-level staffers have said that the President has seemed distracted since being granted his super-secure blackberry device this past week.

“He’s just always sitting there, not looking at anyone who’s talking to him, just staring at that stupid device.  He needs to constantly be re-fed information, and he never gives any input – just sits there button mashing.”

One aide detailed a meeting regarding the revisions to the economic stimulus package that President Obama has been attempting to push through congress.  According to the aide, the President was looking down, looking very frustrated during the entire meeting, leading several advisers to believe that he was quite angry with them.  It was only when President Obama’s eyes grew large and he exclaimed “Alright!  I got an extra life!” that it became clear to everyone that the President was actually playing a video game on his portable device.

“In some meetings, he’s even been playing games that require sound,” said one baggy-eyed aide who claimed she had been responsible for filling the President in on the happenings of a meeting he had attended.  “Before it was just Prince of Persia, and Soul Caliber, and stuff like that.  Now he’s playing Guitar Hero III during a meeting with the State Department.  I thought (Secretary of State) Hilary Clinton was going to kill him!   Fortunately, she seems to be a fan.  I guess they actually bonded over Rock Band, so that worked out.  But still, I mean, is he going to do this with foreign ambassadors?  Not ALL of them are going to be Mario Cart fans.”

Although the President playing video games during meetings may be a somewhat new obsession, a recent interviewer with Obama Campaign Manager David Plouffe revealed that the tendency for President Obama to become distracted by his favorite device may have been a problem during the campaign.

“The President was always engaged with the campaign,” said Plouffe during an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.  “But there were definitely times, when . . . well, you’d be talking to him, and he’d keep saying ‘uh-huh’, ‘uh-huh’, ‘uh-huh’, and you’d realize that he was updating his Facebook.  Don’t get me wrong, he made a lot of progress showing discipline with the blackberry over the course of the campaign, but I think many of us were dismayed when we heard he was getting a super-secure blackberry so that he could keep that thing in the White House.  Seriously, it’s like creating a super hard to detect strain of heroin so that an addict can take it with him to work.”

“It’s even worse when (Vice-President) Biden’s in the room,” said another staffer who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity but who bears a striking resemblance to   Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton.  “The two are constantly smirking and giggling for the entirety of a meeting.  They keep looking beneath the table when other people are talking, as if nobody in the room can figure out that they’re texting to each other.”

“It wouldn’t be so damn insulting if they were sitting farther apart,” continued the anonymous source who looks exactly like Bill Burton.  “But they’re like two people apart, and having sat in between them before, let me just say it’s really awkward.  I’m also more than a little frustrated that – from what I’ve seen – when this stuff goes to the presidential records act, it’s going to be chalk full of things like ‘LOL’ and ‘OMG u r so funny!’”