Speaking to an AP reporter after a particularly grueling town hall in which five separate individuals raised concerns about “death panels”, and two individuals warned the President “not to socialize medicare,” Obama was quoted as saying:

“After weeks of town hall meetings, and listening to citizens tell me their concerns, I have determined that government run euthanasia might not be such a bad idea after all.”

While the President was vague on specifics, he said that the panels will be pushed for in the next draft of the health care bill, and that they would focus “on those who are simply too stupid to live, like that woman in the front right.”

News of the President’s reversal in his death panel stance produced strong reactions from both sides of the aisle, with many democrats expressing alarm, and many others – similarly frustrated by the recent discourse – welcoming the move.

“After hosting numerous town halls, I can say with total confidence that my constituents deserve death panels,” said Massachusetts representative Barney Frank.  “Particularly that crazy woman from last week AND her whore of a mother.”

Republicans, however, seemed firm in their opposition, with Sens. McCain and McConnell both moving quickly to blast the statement.

“This is fundamentally wrong,” said Senator McConnell.  “The government should not be telling people to die.  This is the job of private industry.”

“Whenever government gets involved in trying to run things, it spells trouble,” McConnell elaborated in written statement later in the day.  “Death panels should be run by the private insurers, not government bureaucrats.”

Former G.O.P. Presidential candidate John McCain had some particularly harsh words for his former opponent, calling Obama “naive” and “short-sighted” in an editorial for the Washington Post.

Citing the longer life-expectancy of countries like Canada, England, Japan, Germany, Norway, France, and others, McCain wrote that “government run health-care has been a disaster wherever it has been attempted.  Countries which have socialized their medicine seem incapable of running a decent death panel.  Death can be delayed for weeks and even years in these socialist systems. I trust the ingenuity of the American capitalist spirit to ensure the efficiency of our death panels, and I will oppose any plan that threatens to take them out of the hands of private industry.”

Whether or not the President will be successful in his new direction for healthcare remains to be seen, and he will no doubt have some large hurdles to climb.  However, some political commentators have expressed a belief that this amended bill will be able to find enough support in the Senate and the House to override any filibuster.

“I don’t think many people understand how frustrated members of Congress are right now,” said Democratic commentator and James Carville.  “Promising that they might get to help kill people is the one thing that might be able to unite Republicans and Democrats.  Seriously, I think the reversing his position on Death Panels is the best move the President has made.”

“World of Warcraft has an economy that is strong and trustworthy, and attaching our economy to this one is an important step in getting our country back on track,” explained Geithner. “By marrying the dollar to World of Warcraft gold, we may be able to achieve the economic strength enjoyed by Dwarven Miners, or the Blood Elves.”

Geithner asked that congress move quickly on this proposal, as “a delay of even a month could endanger our recovery, and doom us to the economic status of the tree dwelling Night Elves.”

Geithner’s proposal has been met with mixed responses. Democrats, by in large, seem to support Geithner’s plan, while Republicans have signaled opposition.

“This is nothing but wealth redistribution,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Nearly all of World of Warcraft wealth is held by the nations poorest 5%. Making World of Warcraft Gold into legal tender is part of a radical socialist agenda that we must stop at all costs.”

Former Speaker Dennis Hastert agreed, adding “Geithner’s proposal is dangerous, and makes us staggeringly vulnerable to foreign interests. Significant amounts of World of Warcraft Gold is owned by Korea – legitimizing this currency could make us as weak as a level 4 Druid. Geithner is such a n00b.”

Republicans are not alone in their opposition to Geithner. Although most gamers welcomed Geithner’s plan, many World of Warcraft veterans have voiced concern over the legalization of World of Warcraft gold.

Said level 75 Gnome Mage Pom Pom: “This new recovery plan will permanently damage the World of Warcraft economy, and is an infringement on the rights of WOW players. World of Warcraft gold is much more valuable than the American dollar, and equating the two through an unfair law will cause significant unrest. Not even a million dollars can buy +3 enchanted shoulder pads, which run only 500 in World of Warcraft gold.”

Nonetheless, in spite of criticism from the right and from the virtual, most political observers say that Geithner’s plan is bound to pass through congress quickly.

“It’s important to remember how popular President Obama still is, and how desperate many in congress are to take action – any action,” said University of Michigan Political Science Professor Gary Vanderbuilt. “Nobody knows what to do, which means any and every idea is attractive. And I think that the plan is bound to get a few Republican crossovers voting for it, as both Senators Arlen Specter and Sam Brownback are huge gamers, with significant amounts to gain.

Geithner, for his part, stands by his plan and is confidant it will pass.

“Getting out of this economic rut is not going to be easy,” he told Congress. “But it is with bold action that we will do so. We cannot improve the economy with business as usual and economic Band-Aids any more than we can defeat a mega boss demon by just healing all the time. We need to approve this bold action now, and become the level 80 nation that we fully capable of being. Also, fuck the Horde.”

“This is shocking, completely shocking,” began CNN contributor Melinda Torres. “Well, actually, not that shocking.”

“I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Washington Post’s Chris Cizilla. “But I really should have. Her behavior for the last six months is perfectly in line with a meth addict.”

Palin, who hails from the methamphetamine capitol of Alaska, came into the national spotlight last fall when she was nominated to be John McCain’s running mate. Initially well received due to her ability to energize a crowd, Palin quickly became an object of criticism due to her widely panned interviews with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. She was then spotlighted frequently by the news media as being “off script” from the McCain campaign, with several senior McCain aides saying that the governor was “going rogue.”

“All the signs were there right away,” said Cizilla. “She displayed extreme paranoia in regards to the McCain staffers combined with a feeling of personal invincibility. And during the Couric interviews, you can see her giving rambling convoluted answers to pretty clear and simple questions. We all assumed she was just undisciplined as a politician. Now it’s clear that she was high.”

“Her war with the press also makes great sense in light of the rehab,” agreed University of Oregon Psychology professor Nina Brian. “We all interpreted as just a very passionate adherence to a tried and true Republican tactic, but it was much deeper than that. The paranoia and animalistic defensiveness displayed was perfectly in line with that which is displayed by a crack addict. It’s the feeling that forces are turning on you unjustly, but most importantly, it’s combined with a near psychotic belief that you can beat these forces through sheer will.”

After the campaign’s conclusion, Palin surprised many by forcefully staying in the spotlight, and frequently fueling late night comedians with strange statements and continued feuding with the now defunct McCain campaign staff. In November, she famously did a photo op in front of a slaughterhouse featuring a turkey (which she presumably didn’t see) being slaughtered just behind her. Most recently, she put many a tabloid star to shame with an incredibly public feud with Levi Johnston, the ex-fiance of her daughter and the father of her grandchild.

“Governor Palin’s behavior in the recent months has been far more in line with your average coke addict than your average politician,” said UC Berkeley Psychology professor Dean Gordon. “A normal politician would mediate all actions based on the public appearance generated. Palin, on the other hand, seems to choose her actions based on their size, with little regard for embarrassment or side effects.”

Palin’s move this week throws into question the fate of the Alaska government, as well as American Chopper and several other television programs on which the governor has made plans to appear.

In a brief press conference, State Senator Daniel White said “We are confidant that we will be able to work with the Lt. Governor to keep Alaska moving until the Governor recovers.”

Representatives from American Chopper have thus far refused to comment.

Limbaugh has been the center point of an argument regarding the leadership of the Republican party that has been playing out in the press for over a month, with many political observers noting that Republicans seem wary of distancing themselves from the often inflammatory host. A recent interchange with RNC Chairman Michael Steele, in which Limbaugh demanded Steele apologize for calling him an “entertainer” who makes “ugly” comments, resulted in Steele retracting those comments on several talk shows. This and other stories like it have naturally given momentum to the speculation that Republicans are afraid to go against the Radio host for fear of the sway he holds with their constituents, yet even with this history Limbaugh may be testing the limits of his influence. In his radio show, which aired yesterday morning, Limbaugh heavily criticized those that have been distancing themselves from his rhetoric, and said that:

“Republicans in congress need to prove who’s side they are on – President Obama and the big government socialists – or the conservative base of the country. I call on all Republicans to denounce the people like Michael Steele who are interested in misinterpreting me and helping the liberals. And to I call on them to prove their loyalty to me by giving me a sacrifice.”

Many in congress have appeared skeptical about the idea of owing sacrifice to Limbaugh, but most have taken action to avoid invoking the wrath of the radio host who has in the past expressed no hesitation in using his listening base against a Republican congressman. Utah Senator Robert Bennett almost immediately announced that he would be “sacrificing three of my finest oxen in honor of the great Limbaugh,” and Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina pledged “a full grown, strong goat” to honor the radio host.

Still, some Republicans expressed frustration and resistance to Limbaugh’s request.

“This is exactly what the Democrats want,” said Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe. “When Rush Limbaugh makes a demand like this, Democrats put it into fifty TV spots to make it look as though we take all of our cues from a radio host, which is just ridiculous. I’d say more on the subject, but I’m really overloaded trying to corral the virgins and livestock needed.”

Speaking on CNN’S The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, Indiana Senator Richard Lugar delivered the strongest criticism of Limbaugh, saying that “Limbaugh is not the boss of me,” and criticizing the host for his “over the top demands.” However, after a stinging rebuke from Limbaugh this morning, Lugar quickly scheduled a press conference in which he proceeded to “beg forgiveness from the almighty Rush God, and declare my shame for displeasing you! I offer you a host of livestock to appease your holiness, and my young daughter, that she may sate your anger!”

Aides to President Barack Obama have been complaining this past of week of the President’s behavior during meetings.  Speaking on condition of anonymity, several high-level staffers have said that the President has seemed distracted since being granted his super-secure blackberry device this past week.

“He’s just always sitting there, not looking at anyone who’s talking to him, just staring at that stupid device.  He needs to constantly be re-fed information, and he never gives any input – just sits there button mashing.”

One aide detailed a meeting regarding the revisions to the economic stimulus package that President Obama has been attempting to push through congress.  According to the aide, the President was looking down, looking very frustrated during the entire meeting, leading several advisers to believe that he was quite angry with them.  It was only when President Obama’s eyes grew large and he exclaimed “Alright!  I got an extra life!” that it became clear to everyone that the President was actually playing a video game on his portable device.

“In some meetings, he’s even been playing games that require sound,” said one baggy-eyed aide who claimed she had been responsible for filling the President in on the happenings of a meeting he had attended.  “Before it was just Prince of Persia, and Soul Caliber, and stuff like that.  Now he’s playing Guitar Hero III during a meeting with the State Department.  I thought (Secretary of State) Hilary Clinton was going to kill him!   Fortunately, she seems to be a fan.  I guess they actually bonded over Rock Band, so that worked out.  But still, I mean, is he going to do this with foreign ambassadors?  Not ALL of them are going to be Mario Cart fans.”

Although the President playing video games during meetings may be a somewhat new obsession, a recent interviewer with Obama Campaign Manager David Plouffe revealed that the tendency for President Obama to become distracted by his favorite device may have been a problem during the campaign.

“The President was always engaged with the campaign,” said Plouffe during an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.  “But there were definitely times, when . . . well, you’d be talking to him, and he’d keep saying ‘uh-huh’, ‘uh-huh’, ‘uh-huh’, and you’d realize that he was updating his Facebook.  Don’t get me wrong, he made a lot of progress showing discipline with the blackberry over the course of the campaign, but I think many of us were dismayed when we heard he was getting a super-secure blackberry so that he could keep that thing in the White House.  Seriously, it’s like creating a super hard to detect strain of heroin so that an addict can take it with him to work.”

“It’s even worse when (Vice-President) Biden’s in the room,” said another staffer who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity but who bears a striking resemblance to   Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton.  “The two are constantly smirking and giggling for the entirety of a meeting.  They keep looking beneath the table when other people are talking, as if nobody in the room can figure out that they’re texting to each other.”

“It wouldn’t be so damn insulting if they were sitting farther apart,” continued the anonymous source who looks exactly like Bill Burton.  “But they’re like two people apart, and having sat in between them before, let me just say it’s really awkward.  I’m also more than a little frustrated that – from what I’ve seen – when this stuff goes to the presidential records act, it’s going to be chalk full of things like ‘LOL’ and ‘OMG u r so funny!’”

To fill the gaping wound created by our newly found political interest now that the election has come and gone, we must turn to something similar but much less exciting. The American public has spoken and the methadone to our heroin shall be: relentless speculation as to who Obama will appoint, pick and deem to be our cabinet members, committee chairs and superior alien overlords. It is actually JUST LIKE that episode of West Wing where they show where everybody was when they were asked to join Bartlett’s staff. Remember how CJ fell into her pool? Good times.

Unfortunately, we are still months away from an Obama white house and little is certain as to who will comprise this federal dream team. What we do know however is who will not be asked to serve at the pleasure of the 44th President of these United States. The man who took the roundhouse kick off the streets and into our living rooms, the legendary actor/sportsman/hot air balloon pilot: Chuck Norris.

At the premiere of Madagascar 2: Escape to Whateverwhocares on Friday night, Norris leaked to VH7’s VJ Kinney McTranny that he was promised a spot in McCain’s cabinet. “Nothing was set in stone, mind you, but the phrase ‘Secretary of Defense’ was being kicked around,” said Norris. Norris went on to express disappointment at McCain’s loss and trepidation of an Obama presidency. “I will run in 2010 if I have to!” Norris yelled into a camera at one point during the interview.

Norris is one of many celebrities who has of late found themselves getting involved in political matters. While wildly popular amongst Hollywood elites, the citizens of Main Street, USA seem to prefer their celebs to stick to the gossip pages. All this was inferred by watching Norris’ ratings dip on Pollster.com. And so Norris will remain, as wed prefer he did, safely within our television sets, far, far from having real politcal power. Can you imagine what would happen if we actually gave an action hero poltical power? For some, this dream might have already become an all-too-real nightmare (I’m looking at you, California) but for our nation at large, it is not too late to hope. Hope that Norris stays the hell away from Washington, D.C.

With all the pressures applied to modern homeowners, the need for some quick cash is great. There are rising gas prices, energy prices, health costs, car payments, etc. An equity loan becomes an appealing option. With an equity loan, you can borrow money using your home’s worth as collateral. All you have to do is subtract the amount of money you owe from the appraised worth of your home and you’re left with the equity – an amount of money you can borrow right away. For example, a house worth $300,000 on which you only owe $100,000 leaves you with $200,000 in equity.

In the past, these kinds of loans have not been difficult to get. But with the poor state of our economy stemming from our real estate market, the perceived value of many homes is plunging. An equity loan is affected directly because the amount of money you can borrow depends on how much an appraiser thinks your house is worth. Homes are simply no longer worth as much as they were before the economic downturn.

This is where the Greek columns come into play. In a bid to increase their homes perceived value, homeowners are erecting the classy-looking support poles to the fronts of their homes, regardless of whether it fits with their style of architecture or not.

“Everyone knows that home appraisers are big suckers for the Greek column,” says Julie Swanson, who is one of 11 homeowners on her block having the columns installed to their entrance. “Personally, I’m not even much of a fan, but they aren’t that expensive compared to the boost they’ll give to our home equity, so it’s worth it.”

With columns starting as low as $135, yet yielding $10,000 in perceived value, the trend has swept the nation, ushering in an era of tacky, cheap American architecture potentially unmatched in history. Once reserved for the McMansions of wealthy suburbs, the columns are now being attached to anything, including garages and sheds.

“Even with the rising costs of operation, the volume of business we’re doing right now means that this has become the Golden Age of Greek column installation,” says Tyro Moulakis, the owner of a family-run column business. “We haven’t done this much work since Pericles strode the great halls of Athens. It’s great to see Greek culture having so much wider of an impact right now. My grandfather would have been proud. He would have said ‘Tyro, you have made me proud.’”

While experts say that efforts to similarly pump up the deck installation industry would require federal assistance, other cheap home improvement businesses have been feeling the upswing. A fine-looking birdbath purchased for $100-200 can add $5,000 to a home equity loan. A trellis with flowers growing on it brings $20,000 and a white picket fence can yield results of up to $100,000. Sales are also up for lawn ornaments, especially classy-looking faux statuary.

The results so far have been positive, with many Greek column owners seeing an increase in equity and lightening of their financial burdens. Economist Ray Blidgen is in support of the column building frenzy:

“It’s true that these columns are not necessary from a structural standpoint,” Blidgen says, “but to say they’re not supporting anything would be a falsehood. These columns are supporting the delicate financial web of the modern family, providing the much needed super-thread that will branch off according to the family’s needs and allow them perch safely on top like spiders.”

It’s a strange metaphor, but there is truth in the fact that the loans these columns support a wide range of other loans and payments a family must make, adding a healthy amount of theoretical money that can be used to support other theoretical money in all the right places.

For those able to see the funny side of the financial crisis, the boom in Greek columns holds a particularly rich sense of irony.

“I think it’s amazing,” says comedian Phil Goldman, “that America is supposedly falling like the Roman Empire and our natural reaction is to make our houses look more Roman. It’s like we don’t even care, we’re just thrilled by the theatricality of it all I guess. But don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the idea that this kind of end-times mentality could be exploited to make money: I’m thinking about opening a vomitorium for all the people out there who are sick of all this shit.”

Tourists, press core, and elected officials alike milled about in the crisp D.C. sun, holding up dresses once worn by Nancy Reagan, Eleanor Roosevelt or J. Edgar Hoover. White House collectibles were carefully laid out over what appeared to be miles and miles of tables. Among the items of interest: a first edition copy of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret with “G.W.B.” on the inside cover, a phallic butter dish, The Bubba Gump Shrimp Cookbook, Happy Days: the Complete Series on VHS, an eight-track player, a rusted bicycle with sidecar, an impressive gun collection, a mug reading “World’s Greatest Prez,” and a 1960s version of Twister, missing the spinner.

For those looking for something really special, an auction was held on the South Lawn late Saturday evening. The special government auction items were said to include: fake nails worn by Marilyn Monroe while singing to President Kennedy, a chunk of the Berlin Wall and a box of unmarked tapes stamped “DESTROY.”

All in attendence appeared to be having a great time and one photographer even spotted presidential hopeful John McCain haggling over an Eagles Greatest Hits album. No word yet on how much money the sale pulled in.

During the first presidential debate, Obama introduced a metaphor for America’s economic situation into the rhetoric of the campaign. We need to stop focusing on Wall St., the Democratic candidate said, and instead spend our energy on fixing Main St. In the metaphor, Wall St. stands for the large greedy corporations and banks that Obama believes have gotten us into this godawful financial mess, while Main St. represents the American middle class, who he says he will help. McCain was quick to latch onto the metaphor and attempt to make it his own. The metaphor has quickly saturated the media and a discussion of the two candidate’s economic policies is now basically unfeasible without the clever, home-down phrase.

As with all such catchphrases in our fast-paced political feeding frenzy, the Wall St./Main St. metaphor is quickly losing potency. When it surfaced yesterday that successful lawyer Ron Griswold’s moving pattern had exactly precluded the language of Obama’s metaphor, pundits began wondering if Griswold’s latest move – to Catalpa Rd. – might be incorporated into the game.

“I think we can see a clear pattern emerging,” said Wülf Blitzen of CNN. “Our political experts have assured my teleprompter writers that the mention of Wall St. brings to mind the corruption behind our financial crisis and the mention of Main St. makes one think of the middle class and the American Dream. Should Catalpa Rd. be incorporated into the metaphor, it is harder to say what it would mean at the moment without Obama having directly explained it to us, but the majority opinion is that it would relate to our nation’s failing education system as Catalpa Rd. is a mere few blocks from Brown University.”

Regardless of what Catalpa Rd. might mean should it be included in the metaphor, pundits are stumped as to how the metaphor came to mirror successful lawyer Ron Griswold’s life. A typical conversation about the GMS (Griwsold Metaphor Situation) occurred last night on Fox News’ Hannity and Colmes.

“It’s possible that it might be a coincidence,” said Alan Colmes, the liberal half of the political commentary show, to which his right-wing counterpart Hannity loudly retorted, “No it’s not, you moron.”

“Everything in this campaign is done for a very specific reason,” Hannity continued. “Now I don’t know exactly why Obama has latched onto successful lawyer Ron Griswold, but I can assure you that I will keep you awake every night, Colmes, by slapping your face with bologna until I find out the truth about this liberal conspiracy.” In response, Colmes chuckled lightly and leaned back in his chair.

Not everyone is so openly baffled by the GMS. For political analyst Bryce Williams, the fact that the two candidates rhetoric mirrors successful lawyer Ron Griswold’s home locations is no big secret.

“I think what people are forgetting is that Ron has been a close friend and associate of both Obama and McCain for many years. He is a Wall St. lawyer, after all.”