The 450 lawyers that make up the Coalition, decided last August to set their sights on Maritzo’s business, claiming that his name is “misleading” and “confuses” potential customers. “You go in looking to sue a fast food chain for making their fries too hot and suddenly you’re renting a tuxedo and you’ve forgotten about the suit that really matters – your frivolous lawsuit!” screeched an irate attorney who declined to answer any questions regarding his identity.

For his part, Maritzo says he has never encountered a patron of his business who thought he was lawyer. And in this reporter’s humble opinion, the floor to ceiling windows and sharply dressed mannequins should make it pretty clear that Suit Brokers is not a law office. You’d have to be pretty stupid to think otherwise. But apparently, these idiots are exactly the type of people the lawyers say are their most faithful customers. Dumb enough to think their hot coffee is immediately ready to inhale, dumb enough to throw their money into pointless lawsuits.

Maritzo feels the whole thing to be “silly” but it is clear that the Coalition is not joking. Since first receiving notice of the lawsuit, Maritzo’s businesses have been inundated with calls and excessive paperwork. During our hour long interview, no more than eighteen courier services stopped in to drop of subpoenas, notices of deposition, discovery and various other documents. It is apparent that the lawyers mean business and that Maritzo will have to give them what they want is he wants to avoid death by paper. So, what do the lawyers want?

The B.C.L. are demanding that all Suit Brokers close up shop, that the business change its name, or that Maritzo place business cards for Coalition lawyers in the pocket of every suit that is rented out. We telephoned Maritzo yesterday and he said he will “probably go for the business card thing.”

This year, amongst the predictable (Giant Panda, Australian Sea Turtle) and the insignificant (Jerusalem Dwarf Mite, Tropical Stone Fish) there has arisen a new darling; the Indonesian Cerulean Barbet is now commonly referred to as the “Lawyer-bird” and its popularity is skyrocketing. Environmentalist discussion boards are abuzz with the topic. Some have gone so far as to speculate that this intriguing fowl will become the new face of Endangered Species and perhaps Environmentalism altogether. Others argue that our Lawyer-bird is nothing but a trendy passing fancy.

The lasting popularity, or staying-power, of the Indonesian Lawyer-bird is yet to be seen, so let’s take a look backwards instead. The Lawyer-bird was discovered five months earlier by two amateur bird watchers whose yearly retreats bring them to a secluded section of jungle. “It’s pretty remote – it has to be – we’re having a torrid affair and our wives can never find out,” commented one of the men. After years of observation, the men determined that there was something special about the bird and took footage of it back to the local university where it was studied by behavioral ornithologists.

What transpired yet can only be called a “nerd fest” or “dork off” as footage of the bird traveled the world via email attachment until the leading theorists in bird behavior had seen it and come to the same remarkable conclusion: this unique species of bird appears to be a practitioner of law. “Lawyer-bird is actually a bit of a misnomer,” reported Dr. Samuel D. Lorentzo via telephone on Thursday, “it’s actually more of a Judge-bird or Justice-bird!”

The bright blue and black avian creature is a near cousin of the Bird of Paradise and acts behaviorally very similar. Using elaborate displays, an awkward dance and a series of strange clicks the lawyer-bird appears to be passing out judgments onto the other birds. Whereas most use their displays to garner a mate, the lawyer-bird settles disputes, determines guilt and innocence, and decides punishments in the bird community.

Unfortunately, these judgements seem to go by as unnoticed and unheaded by the other birds. It unclear whether they do not understand the lawyer-bird or simply do not respect him. There are currently no police-birds to enforce the laws of the lawyer-bird in known existence. Scientists and law professors studying the birds decisions find the lawyer-bird to be conservative in his decisions and agree that he would most likely “have a strict interpretation of the bird-law.”

When each blood sample returned from the Lab with the same results, the students immediately suspected someone at the Lab was asleep on the job, “or at least stoned,” commented Jennie Brown, a 5th year biology student. After firing the Lab staff, hiring a new staff, training monkeys to train the new staff, and then firing and re-hiring the new staff (just for fun), they sent the samples out again. Nothing changed in the results, so the students then tested the blood of other majors as well – Literature, Economics, Dance, Political Science, Pan Asian Studies–  to create a “control group.” Sister colleges in Pennsylvania, California, and Georgia were also enlisted to run blood tests and the results were staggering. No one from any field of study except Law possessed what has now been deemed the “Lawyer Gene.” It exists among and only among, lawyers, and those studying to become lawyers.

The “Lawyer Gene” is a mutation found on the 13th chromosome. It is believed to enhance the qualities of stubbornness, combativeness, and to enhance the desire for wealth while simultaneously minimizing the need to be a useful and ethically responsible member of society. It also appears to be particularly strong among corporate lawyers.

In order to locate the cause of the mutation, extensive tests were performed and form questionnaires were completed with few relevant results discovered. That’s when psychology professor Mitch Chiplittle chimed in. His suggestion that perhaps a behavioral situation caused the mutation prompted an in-depth study of behavioral patterns of the mothers of the lawyers. “Immediately it became clear that these women were cut from the same cloth,” reported Chiplittle. A preliminary oral history of each of the tested lawyers and their families found that during the seventeenth day of pregnancy, each mother encountered a homeless veteran and refused to relinquish any spare change, despite the fact that each had at least a quarter in her pocket at the time.

News of the discovery spread quickly throughout the campus. The Norman Richter Law Center For Lawyers and Such, Including But Not Limited to Attorneys Admissions Department rapidly set to work revising admissions guidelines. Students interested in Pre-Law now must submit a blood test along with their GPA, S.A.T. scores and personal statement. If they lack the lawyer gene, they are encouraged to apply to the Business Department.

The tactic, long admired by kindergarten teachers the world over, meets with little controversy at the firm. In fact, many of the lawyers consider “Pox Week” to be the most fun they have at work. There is little to no pressure put on the sick litigators to get anything done and the common ground of extreme itchiness and mild feverish delirium provide a unique bonding experience most other firms never have.

“They bring in fold-out beds and extra Laz-E-Boy chairs and a big TV so that [the lawyers] can relax by watching all those great sick-day movies,” said Paul McCarren. “The favorites are always The Princess Bride and, of course, The Firm. Most of us spend the night so it’s totally like this big sleep-over.”

“I was a little weirded out when Linda Caldwell suggested the bathroom sinks be used for oatmeal sponge baths,” added Nancy Gilleweid, “but it turns out that having the hot new guy rub oatmeal all over your spotted, rash-infected body feels really, really good.”

Mal Biallystock, the head of the firm, says he wishes he could take credit for the plan, but the real genius behind the idea is his sister and partner, Mel Biallystock. “I don’t know where she gets this brilliance from sometimes,” says Biallystock. “Certainly not our dumbass parents, who didn’t want us to waste our time on college because they thought it was something you did to old photographs with scissors and glue.” Mal Biallystock speculates that it may have been his sister’s years as an economist that aid her in seeing the most efficient way to handle the situation, but his sister has a different answer.

“Mal forgets sometimes that I have two kids who have already been through elementary school.”

The owners of the firm spend most of the week caring for their staff round the clock, making sure the AC is kept high and that their patients have warm wash-cloths for their skin rash. The hardest part, they say, is keeping the lawyers from scratching at the pox.

“When the employees wake up every morning, we make the rounds with nail-clippers,” says the male Biallystock. “I try to make it clear to them that if they scratch at the pox they will get scars that turn into pock-marks for the rest of their lives, but you know how it is with lawyers; they never really think the future is going to affect them, they just live for today. They’re so innocent. I take great pleasure in watching out for them.”

Every night before tucking the lawyers into bed, the Biallystocks take turns reading to them from the day’s briefs and they often take requests for favorite historical court cases. Storytime is usually ended with a reading of one of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg’s notoriously boring decisions in order to put the lawyers to sleep.

“Even if they’re all sick, I think everyone has a good time during Pox Week,” says Mel Biallystock. “Sure, there a few people who’ve already had the virus, but for the rest of us it’s a time to really connect with our co-workers. It’s no wonder we’re unbeatable in court, with such a tight bond formed during our week of communal illness.”

Orlando, FL – Larry Stevens threw a party Thursday night, inviting his guests to bring hors d’oeuvres and plenty of plastic wrap. The 29 year old Orlando man is just one of many young attorneys, litigators, and even administrative assistants in their twenties and thirties who have found themselves caught up in a new, extreme, and dangerous game.

Some call it sport, others claim it is art. But all who participate agree: It’s a highly contagious way of life. Of course you have probably already guessed the sport to which I refer — Hippo Wrestling. Across our nation’s great dingle-dangle of a state, lawyers are reserving conference rooms and building chapters of what many have deemed the “Fight Club for a new generation . . . but with hippopotamuses . . . and lawyers.”

Hippo wrestling is exactly what you would think: it requires participants to wrestle a wild hippopotamus. The first rule of hippo wrestling? According to inside sources, it its: Don’t kill the hippo. “Or even injure it too badly. Hippos aren’t the easiest animals to come by and if we kill, like, seven hippos a night, we’re screwed for next week. We had to figure that one out the hard way,” commented a lanky legal aid with fresh facial scars. Why the phenomenon has gained such popularity among lawyers has caused much speculation, but lawyers seem to unanimously agree that the similarities between wrestling a wild, Saran wrapped hippo and practicing law contain obvious similarities. “If you’ve never been to a deposition, you probably won’t see it,” said Stevens.

Most agree that hippo wrestling originated in 1982, at the height of cocaine’s popularity, amongst four drug-addled attorneys. Searching for an alternative to dancing in clubs, or just getting high with friends and watching a video, the quartet of lawyers decided to do something each had only dreamed of. They stole a hippo from the Orlando Zoo and held it captive at their local Elk’s Club. They waited six weeks until one litigator finally had the courage, and a vast amount of coke, to wrestle it, but by then the unfortunate creature was starving and angry. This is how “‘Gator v. Hippo” began. But how much of this story is myth, tall tale, and hopeful legend remains to be seen. The lawyers were never heard from again. The Orlando chapter of the Elk’s Club offered no comment on these matters.

The phenomenon has caused the collective ears or hearing membranes of animal rights advocacy groups to perk up, sparked by their concern over the health and safety of the hippos. The Coalition of African Nations wants the lawyers to be held accountable for their dealings as well. C.A.N. officials are demanding to know where the animals have come from and how they were transported to the basements of law offices across Florida. So far, no progress has been made by either of these organizations. In fact, the anonymity of the hippo wrestling societies has made it extremely difficult to find any one individual to question regarding the trend.

Asked by the judge to stop the game, Ms. Watanabe claimed that it was integral to her questioning, as the defendant was incapable of focusing without it. When the defendant himself was asked to stop, he giggled and then, holding his left arm out towards Ms. Watanabe, bent two of his left fingers back with his right hand.

In this landmark case, Ryan Satanelli, 5, is suing Megan Satanelli, 8. The younger Satanelli is claiming that, although his request to carry the bag of stuff their parents had bought them was granted, his sister usurped his authority and held said bag herself, refusing to yield to reason, whining, or shin-kicks.

Ryan Satanelli declined to comment on the case, but witnesses at the scene said he had been quite adamant in declaring the treatment “unfair.”

“That little kid just wouldn’t shut up,” said bookseller Tad Hobnobble. “It’s pretty embarassing to care that much about something.”

Facing criticism that lawsuits brought by small children are frivolous and unethical, the Satanelli’s parents remained firm in their decision.

“It’s never too early to learn first-hand about our country’s judicial system,” said Mr. Satanelli at a press conference held in the family’s living room. “We have nothing but high hopes for both of our children, especially the male, and this kind of experience is not only helpful, but essential for the right kind of resume-building he’ll need to get into law school.”

His wife pointed out that young lawyers just out of school are frequently willing to accept low pay. “It’s the cheapest babysitting we’ve found,” she said.

Ms. Watanabe would not make a statement about her pay, but she did agree with the Satanelli’s that the case is important and relevant.

“Look, this isn’t 1944 anymore, guys. It’s not like wealthy white males are the only ones who get to vote,” she said. “Youth is a valued trait in America and I think it’s about time the grievances of our youth be respected and given the gravity they deserve.”