Speaking to an AP reporter after a particularly grueling town hall in which five separate individuals raised concerns about “death panels”, and two individuals warned the President “not to socialize medicare,” Obama was quoted as saying:

“After weeks of town hall meetings, and listening to citizens tell me their concerns, I have determined that government run euthanasia might not be such a bad idea after all.”

While the President was vague on specifics, he said that the panels will be pushed for in the next draft of the health care bill, and that they would focus “on those who are simply too stupid to live, like that woman in the front right.”

News of the President’s reversal in his death panel stance produced strong reactions from both sides of the aisle, with many democrats expressing alarm, and many others – similarly frustrated by the recent discourse – welcoming the move.

“After hosting numerous town halls, I can say with total confidence that my constituents deserve death panels,” said Massachusetts representative Barney Frank.  “Particularly that crazy woman from last week AND her whore of a mother.”

Republicans, however, seemed firm in their opposition, with Sens. McCain and McConnell both moving quickly to blast the statement.

“This is fundamentally wrong,” said Senator McConnell.  “The government should not be telling people to die.  This is the job of private industry.”

“Whenever government gets involved in trying to run things, it spells trouble,” McConnell elaborated in written statement later in the day.  “Death panels should be run by the private insurers, not government bureaucrats.”

Former G.O.P. Presidential candidate John McCain had some particularly harsh words for his former opponent, calling Obama “naive” and “short-sighted” in an editorial for the Washington Post.

Citing the longer life-expectancy of countries like Canada, England, Japan, Germany, Norway, France, and others, McCain wrote that “government run health-care has been a disaster wherever it has been attempted.  Countries which have socialized their medicine seem incapable of running a decent death panel.  Death can be delayed for weeks and even years in these socialist systems. I trust the ingenuity of the American capitalist spirit to ensure the efficiency of our death panels, and I will oppose any plan that threatens to take them out of the hands of private industry.”

Whether or not the President will be successful in his new direction for healthcare remains to be seen, and he will no doubt have some large hurdles to climb.  However, some political commentators have expressed a belief that this amended bill will be able to find enough support in the Senate and the House to override any filibuster.

“I don’t think many people understand how frustrated members of Congress are right now,” said Democratic commentator and James Carville.  “Promising that they might get to help kill people is the one thing that might be able to unite Republicans and Democrats.  Seriously, I think the reversing his position on Death Panels is the best move the President has made.”

“This is shocking, completely shocking,” began CNN contributor Melinda Torres. “Well, actually, not that shocking.”

“I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Washington Post’s Chris Cizilla. “But I really should have. Her behavior for the last six months is perfectly in line with a meth addict.”

Palin, who hails from the methamphetamine capitol of Alaska, came into the national spotlight last fall when she was nominated to be John McCain’s running mate. Initially well received due to her ability to energize a crowd, Palin quickly became an object of criticism due to her widely panned interviews with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. She was then spotlighted frequently by the news media as being “off script” from the McCain campaign, with several senior McCain aides saying that the governor was “going rogue.”

“All the signs were there right away,” said Cizilla. “She displayed extreme paranoia in regards to the McCain staffers combined with a feeling of personal invincibility. And during the Couric interviews, you can see her giving rambling convoluted answers to pretty clear and simple questions. We all assumed she was just undisciplined as a politician. Now it’s clear that she was high.”

“Her war with the press also makes great sense in light of the rehab,” agreed University of Oregon Psychology professor Nina Brian. “We all interpreted as just a very passionate adherence to a tried and true Republican tactic, but it was much deeper than that. The paranoia and animalistic defensiveness displayed was perfectly in line with that which is displayed by a crack addict. It’s the feeling that forces are turning on you unjustly, but most importantly, it’s combined with a near psychotic belief that you can beat these forces through sheer will.”

After the campaign’s conclusion, Palin surprised many by forcefully staying in the spotlight, and frequently fueling late night comedians with strange statements and continued feuding with the now defunct McCain campaign staff. In November, she famously did a photo op in front of a slaughterhouse featuring a turkey (which she presumably didn’t see) being slaughtered just behind her. Most recently, she put many a tabloid star to shame with an incredibly public feud with Levi Johnston, the ex-fiance of her daughter and the father of her grandchild.

“Governor Palin’s behavior in the recent months has been far more in line with your average coke addict than your average politician,” said UC Berkeley Psychology professor Dean Gordon. “A normal politician would mediate all actions based on the public appearance generated. Palin, on the other hand, seems to choose her actions based on their size, with little regard for embarrassment or side effects.”

Palin’s move this week throws into question the fate of the Alaska government, as well as American Chopper and several other television programs on which the governor has made plans to appear.

In a brief press conference, State Senator Daniel White said “We are confidant that we will be able to work with the Lt. Governor to keep Alaska moving until the Governor recovers.”

Representatives from American Chopper have thus far refused to comment.

The PATH train, which stands for Port Authority Trans-Hudson Corporation, is a train which runs from New Jersey’s eastern border across the Hudson to New York city. It is a popular commuter train and, as it turns out, daily plays host to carload after carload of resourceful people – people who know how to abuse a defibrillator in ways the rest of us can only dream of.

Jose Vallarta was one early user of the defibrillator. “I was just waiting for the train one day,” says Vallarta, “and this guy was standing next to me with a hot dog. I guess this hot dog of his had gotten a little cold by the time he got down to the tracks. I say I guess, but really I know because the guy was talking out loud about it as if someone was listening or would respond or care or something. Anyway, this guy just strolls right up to the defibrillator and shocks the hell out of his hot dog, commentating the whole time and making a big fuss about how good it was. The next time I rode the subway I bought a cold dog at the stand near the entrance just to try it out. The guy at the stand thought I was crazy, but I tell you what, it’s so good I do it every day now.”

Only a few short weeks after Vallarta’s first defibrillator cooking experiment there are now lines every morning to use the emergency medical device to heat up any number of foods such as breakfast rolls, eggs, bacon and other breakfast items. Coffee is often heated in mugs, although there have been a few incidents involving metal thermoses.

“It’s pretty nuts,” admits Vallarta, “that all these people heat up their food waiting for the subway instead of at home. They’re not really saving that much time, but the shock from the defibrillator flash-cooks it so much better than any normal way of cooking.”

Food scientist Tyra Johnson says that this theory has absolutely no validity whatsoever.

For Alfred “Alfredo” Allen, head of security at the Journal Square PATH station, the defibrillators have been more trouble than they’re worth. “People are having a good time with those defibrillators,” says Allen, “but that’s not what they’re for. Besides being such a grievous misuse of medical equipment, it is quite clear from the overhead security announcements that you should not be eating, smoking, or carrying on in the station, and people are using the defibrillators to do all of three of these things.”

One of the biggest problems Allen has reported dealing with are the groups of teenagers and children who are not afraid to grab the defibrillators and play with them. These children have devised games in which the odd man out or the loser are subjected to quick shocks, an eerie echo of the old “Johnny Third Rail” games that used to be played in the dark days of the 1970s and 80s.

“It seems like kid’s games keep getting more violenter and violenter,” says passive observer Julius Milton. “At first I didn’t really get it and I wanted to tell those kids they should play something nice like quarters or butts up or knives. But they look like they’re having fun so who am I to stop them. Besides, it’s good practice for them in case they have to shock some crazy person who’s hanging around by the tracks, which is what I use it for.”

While homeless advocacy groups have spoken out about ending the kind of amateur, DIY shock therapy treatments Milton describes, community safety groups are thundering about their benefits.

“It’s about time we had a way to keep ourselves safe right down there in the subway that helps not only everyday commuters, but the crazy people they’re so scared, threatened and annoyed by,” says Fran Fishyakker, head of Stand Up for Sitting Down, a subways rider’s rights organization. “The fact that you can shock a crazy person into passivity right down there by yourself makes riding the subway a lot more comfortable. And the homeless people benefit too because I’m sure not being able to remember who you are for more than 10 minutes at a time is a big relief considering the state they’re in.”

“Sometimes I think of our little sweetheart like a souvenir,” says Debra Miller, mother of Madison “Treasure Island” Miller. “I brought home a few keychains for my girlfriends, Brad brought home a mug and $4,000 worth of credit card debt, but we both hit the jackpot with our Treasure.”

Many of these children are like Treasure Miller: the start of a new family. Las Vegas is a popular honeymoon destination and these young newlyweds aren’t going to Vegas to lose control and have an affair, they are there simply to enjoy themselves and, as is often the case, start a family. For them, the sleazy setting is actually a smokescreen for something quite wholesome. Some families will only conceive while in Vegas, believing it to be good luck, a lot of fun, or a combination of the two.

“I met a family yesterday with three kids, all Vegas babies,” says Dennis Lopez, a doorman at Terrible’s Casino. “There was the little girl Sahara and her two older brothers Excalibur and Bellagio. I just hope that if their folks are planning to make another one while they’re out here, they’ll figure out a better name than what our hotel has to offer.”

Of course, not all children conceived in Las Vegas are planned. According to a recent study, roughly 80% of pregnancies resulting from a Vegas adventure are “happy surprises”, while 60% of those surprises are the direct result of an affair or one-night stand. Circus Circus Brandeweis comments on what it’s like to grow up with the evidence that you were an accident displayed in your name.

“My sister Meredith and my brother Thom are both over ten years older than me,” says Circus. “It’s always been clear that I wasn’t exactly supposed to have been born. And the kids at school didn’t really get it at first, they just thought my name was funny and made fun of me for that. That went away eventually as everyone got used to it…but when we got a little older, they figured out that my parents had named me after their one night of passion in their golden years so the kids started giving me grief all over again. You don’t really want kids teasing you all the time about your parents having sex and saying these kinds of sweaty, graphic images over the PA and stuff. Your parents’ naked flesh, wrinkles interlocking and sagging as they desperately paw each others’ skin, it’s not something you ever really want to think about. Oh god, I’m thinking about it right now. Oh Jesus…”

The fact that so many Vegas babies are conceived during affairs has led to another interesting development in modern naming practices, in which the name of a child is based on the context of its conception. This happens very often in other places around the world where it is normal for a child to be named after the situation surrounding its birth. For example, if a woman is pregnant, but doesn’t tell her family right away, the child might be named “Answer” as in the answer to the question: Is my daughter pregnant? Here in America, that style of naming has led to children such as Never Trust a Woman Johnson, the son of a man who was robbed of his testicles by cancer and therefore could not have conceived the child born nine months after his vacation to Vegas with his wife.

One particularly complex case concerns Wyett Davis and his wife Shawna. The couple went to Las Vegas together in May 2007 and decided to attend an orgy, as well as pursue an open relationship for the duration of their time in Vegas. When Shawna became pregnant with triplets, they decided to name the children Swinger, Who Knows and Why Not?, respectively.

The trend of naming children after the hotel or circumstance they were born in has forced orphanages and civil services to rethink the rules allowing them judgment over a child’s name.

“With all these silly names popping up everywhere, we’ve had to allow more room for changing kid’s names than we would like,” says Paolo Nunez, an administrator at St. Augustine Children’s Center, an orphanage with an inordinate amount of Vegas “babies.” “We want to respect people’s choices, but these parents are obviously being completely irresponsible and we need to preempt any further damage they could inflict on their children by naming them something stupid. It’s a big problem, yes, and the solution doesn’t lie here with us. Something needs to be done to stop people from drunkenly sleeping with strangers and then thinking it’s hilarious to name their unwanted child after their night of folly.”

Citizens could not leave their homes in the parts of the city hit hardest by the Bunny-vasion, as it has been deemed. Certain prominent buildings and hotels even found rabbits in their lobbies, ostensibly having hopped in through the revolving doors. Bankers, lawyers and stock brokers appeared horrified as the A train screeched to halt, the tracks, a pile of hopping fur and twitching noses. Students of area colleges found themselves unable to attend class, taxi drivers could not find a fare and children all around the island squealed with glee.

The inconvenience did seem to put many a friendly New Yorker on edge for the day, but more prominent was the sense of bewilderment. Everyone seemed to be asking each other what could have possibly brought the bunnies upon the city and where they could have come from. The internet was quickly a buzz with theories ranging from underground Mole People-run rabbit farms to terrorist attack. But most theories fell flat and New Yorkers found themselves with more questions than answers.

Then, at dusk tonight, as mysteriously as they came, they left. “It was pretty gradual,” commented lifetime New Yorker Scott Bonett. “They just starting hopping away.” City workers quickly emerged to gage the damage. Said one Manhattan employee, “there’s some chewed up wiring around street level and you can’t find a carrot this side of the Hudson, but other than that, things seem pretty normal.” There was also a thick layer of rabbit fur and little pellets of bunny poop.

The city is now on alert in case any more rabbit invasions occur. New York Mayor Whitey Corngood has already hired a staff to develop a containment strategy and they are said to be planning a “Bunny Baricade” – somewhat similar to the plexiglass pens found in pet stores. “It certainly is the most adorable disaster in New York’s fine and storied history,” Mayor Corngood.  The fur has now been swept away and the poop disposed of. More  carrots are on their way from the Mid West and massive rolls of electrical tape have been passed out to city employees. Although, those allergic to the rabbits are still being advised to remain indoors for another 24 hours.

Operating out of the back of a wholesale grocery, the Hell’s Shepherds made the most use possible out of the animals. The typical process went something like this: the owners would take out pet insurance and then allow the Shepherds to steal the pets at random. The animals would be brought to the warehouse where the men ran an illegal animal fighting ring. The Shepherds charged a cover to come and gamble on the animals until they killed each other. The bodies were deposited back in the neighborhoods they were taken from and, because the deaths were clearly from animal fights, it was assumed to be the result of an unfortunate incident and nothing more. The money was collected from the life insurance, a sizable cut going to the Shepherds. By utilizing a wide enough area to avoid suspicion as well as the extreme secrecy common to groups involved in illegal activities, the men were able to avoid police attention for a long time.

Police finally infiltrated the group early last year and had a man on the inside collect information for seven months. Sergeant Marcus Gomez, a humble defender of the innocent and a dog-owner himself, insists that he is a hero.

“I put myself in harm’s way for the good of the public and to uphold our laws,” Gomez said at a press conference this morning. “That makes me a real hero. Take a look at me. This is what a hero looks like. All the undercover cops walking the thin line to save the lives of all those adorable fur-balls out there are heroes.”

Ascending the ranks of the Hell’s Shepherds, Sgt. Gomez was eventually able to identify the real mastermind behind the the scam: Petsurance CEO Jerry Halbach. The liaison between the Shepherds and the amateur scammers was a mysterious man, with a past unknown to either side. No one would have guessed that he was in reality the head of the very company that was being ripped off. Mr. Halbach explained his motives in his confession.

“Look, the only reason anyone would ever take out a stupid policy like pet life insurance is because it’s really easy to scam,” said Halbach. “I stayed ahead of the game by playing both sides. I would get a cut of whatever the Shepherds took and then if I felt like it, I could either blackmail the sucker who tried to scam me or sue him for fraud. I’ve been in this business for a long time, ever since I was a fourteen year old kid stealing people’s pets and then collecting the reward money they posted for their precious walking flea traps. People used to think I was some kinda miracle worker.”

On the other side of this story, the amateur criminals who were caught insisted that their crimes were motivated out of desperation rather than simple greed. They shone a light on the great sacrifice people are forced to make in order to own a prize-winning pet. In his own statement, cat owner Grant Rimtill took a defensive stance.

“It’s not easy raising a competition animal,” said Mr. Rimtill. “I pumped about 20,000 dollars into Professor Catface Meowmers and he didn’t earn a penny of it back. Didn’t win any competitions, didn’t make America’s Greatest Dog even though he’s a cat…I was frustrated and broke. I was only going to make back a third of the money I’d wasted on that adorable fluff-muffin. ”

The public outcry at this scandal has been significant. Animals right groups are rallying to protest the evils they see as inherit not only to animal fighting rings but to animal competitions as well. In a show of political theater that has rarely been seen since the Sixties, protesters invaded competitions yesterday with hungry pit bulls and airhorns, demanding that the animals all fight together and throwing fake money everywhere. It seems now that the only facet of this controversial issue people can agree on is that it’s nice that the animals were donated to struggling families, complete with a monthly allowance (pulled from the dirty Petsurance money) to be spent on the animals.

“I love my new friend Hot Chocolate Head,” said Joel Martinez, 7. “He taught me that if bad people steal things from other bad people, I get a nice dog.”

Cats have not always possessed night vision, scientists are now claiming. Mark Gillian and Seth Arlinger are former cancer researchers who refocused their studies onto cat pathologies “because there’s more funding in it.” These two men have found that night vision in cats is actually a relatively new phenomenon, most likely dating back to the turn of the 20^th Century.

The scientists believe to have isolated the night vision gene while performing comparative studies on modern house cats and the preserved mummies of ancient Egyptian felines. The discovery of an archaic “cat cemetery” last August in Alexandria, Egypt has been “a godsend in our ongoing quest keep federal funding rolling in and to make a living as a scientist” said Arlinger via phone on Tuesday. The over 250 mummified cat corpses have given Gillian and Arlinger much needed DNA samples. “We now have a great baseline for feline DNA pre-Industrial Revolution,” wrote Gillian in his grant proposal. And strays, rounded up off the streets of D.C., have given the two men their modern day subjects.

After testing the DNA of both groups of subjects, Gillian and Arlinger found that the modern cats possessed several extra genes that the Egyptian cats lacked. Among these (possibly mutant) genes was the gene that allows cats to see at night – the night vision gene.

The appearance of the night vision attribute is thought to be caused by the effects of radiation, though no one will go on the record of claiming this for sure. Increased exposure to radiation through appliances, nuclear testing, and pollution have had the unexpected side effect of giving cats the ability to see at night. Though not often discussed publicly, radiation is also being used on cat food as a pesticide and FDA guidelines are less stringent for food that is not intended for human consumption. Therefore, your furry friend is being exposed to radiation in his or her diet. Radiated food is not thought to have any harmful side effects, though animal rights groups have filed several law suits this week against pet food manufacturers and distributors claiming negligence.

Why this has affected cats and only cats still remains unseen, though young boys desiring what they see as “superpowers” are already buying up cat food. Gillian and Arlinger are working around the clock studying dogs and other animals, as well as a few humans, to try and better understand how the genetic change came about. In the mean time they are warning against the human ingestion of cat food and suggest instead that those who desire to see at night buy a flashlight.

DNA Vending Machines are now popping up all over workplaces across North America and Europe. These machines dispense easy-to-use DNA Test Kits that can be used by two people looking to find out if they are related and how closely. A kit costs $10 and is no larger than the box set of Season 1 of LOST. It contains two cotton swabs, four plastic pouches for hair follicles and a small, baseball sized device with a paper feeder that reads the DNA samples, lights up and prints out results.

MENO-DNA, the distributor of DNA Test Kit Vending Machines, has reported strong interest and sales since installing the machines in March. “The technology is very exciting to people and they are happy to finally have such unlimited access.” MENO-DNA seems to strongly believe that there is money to be made in vending-machine-style DNA Test Kits.

So who is buying and why? MENO-DNA’s monitoring results seem to say that everyone across the board is expressing interest, or at least everyone that happens to work in an establishment with a DNA Test Kit vending machine. And as to why, buyers cite sheer curiosity and novelty as their top two motivations. The ability to find out if you are related to your co-worker or boss for an affordable price is a hard temptation to ignore, and more often than not, people are finding they are related, albeit distantly. Mary Rose of San Jose, CA found out that she and Gerald Arson, affectionately deemed “the mail room guy,” are third cousins. And Steven Shlossing and his ex-fiancée Nancy Myers called off their engagement after discovering that they were brother and sister. When asked to comment Myers said, “We are both so extremely grateful to MENO-DNA for making this technology so affordable. We feel like we really dodged a bullet.”

But what happens when the novelty wears off? MENO-DNA does not seem worried. “We are working hard to keep these machines running at the top of the line and will be offering new add-ons and incentives soon. By Fall, you will be able to purchase a Premium Kit for $30. This version will look more like the Photo Booths you encounter at Beach Boulevards and sad malls. Instead of taking a picture, the curious customer will step inside and have their blood drawn by a small robotic arm. A computer screen will document your results and a print-out can be purchased for an additional $5. These DNA booths will tell you what nationality you are and the names of your true biological parents.”  MENO-DNA did not report their plans beyond the Premium Kit.

Being hailed as the new “miracle cure” to aging by Cosmetic Surgery Aficionados Magazine, this veritable fountain of youth is being taken up by every woman, man and handbag dog that has taken the pledge to “stay young forever or die trying.” So what is the wonder drug of this century? Two hints: it’s highly dangerous and your child’s school is chalk full of it. Figured it out? No? It’s asbestos!

This grouping of fibrous crystals has been banned in several countries due to the fact that it’s highly lethal. The history of asbestos is relevant but boring, so let’s just say that it was a very popular building material before being discovered as crazily dangerous. Builders loved it then for the same reasons shallow socialites love it now – asbestos is incredibly strong and will hold up under intense heat, like the heat you would encounter in a Los Angeles summer or outside a Miss Christian Texas Pagent.

The benefits of asbestos were found by six Chilean scuba divers off the coast of a the Galapagos, though details of the discovery are still being withheld by Chile’s government. Blue asbestos, the rare cousin of white, or “common” asbestos, is found only in Africa and Australia. There it is mined by beautiful Aborigine children, whose tiny fingers can grasp the chalky minerals without disrupting their structural integrity. The crystallized blue asbestos is rumored to reverse the effects of botched breast implants, though scientists are not yet ready to release definite findings.

Young starlets and porn-stars aren’t waiting though. Both the blue and white toxins are already being sold on eban.com, an ebay-like auction site for black market items. As of 9:53 am EST, two ounces of cream asbestos was going for $1,455.01. Chemists are taking out full page ads in Variety warning against the purchase of this un-monitored substance, but several out-of-work actors have already confessed to falling victim to asbestos scams. Thinking they were buying top of the line anti-aging asbestos, they were horrified to open their diamond-encrusted crystal jar to find it filled with fiber glass and toothpaste.

Unfortunately, the down sides of Anti-Aging Asbestos Treatments do persist. It is lethal in too high a dose, and it remains illegal. Banned by the FDA and classified as a hazardous material by the ECG, this substance remains highly controversial. Undeterred, women across the mainland United States refuse to douse their flame of hope, and will not squelch their spark of belief in a youthful beauty that transcends the passage of time. The word “asbestos” itself is derived from Greek and means “inextinguishable.” Inextinguishable like the cockroaches that will survive the apocalypse and that’s precisely what these women hope to be.

Very similar to the condoms we all know and love, computer condoms will simply be larger, designed to fit over a computer and serve as a thin plastic shield against viruses floating through the air and the Internet.

Condom historian Mitchell Blardman points out that the city’s new campaign reflects not only a major new development in the rich history of condom technology, but a bold leap forward in the conceptual uses of condoms.

“Condoms have been around ever since early homo sapiens hollowed out the penises of their enemies and put them on top of their own,” Blardman said. “Since then, we’ve seen everything from the wooden condoms of the French aristocracy during the 1700s to Victorian metal condoms of the industrial revolution. When we hit the space age, it’s like ‘Pow! Major breakthrough coming, guys! Plastic!’ Now we’ve reached a postmodern peak because these computer condoms aren’t even designed to fit on human penises. It really broadens the idea of what condom can and cannot be.”

Most people are excited and encouraged by what they see as a progressive step by the local government. Instead of just teaching people that looking at porn on the Internet is inherently bad because it increases the chance of getting a computer virus, the new campaign is not concerned with condemning the debatable concept of immorality; its focus is instead on teaching its populace how to use modern information technology safely to get off. The majority of San Franciscans interviewed were proud to have such a non-judgemental policy in place in their city.

Still, there are skeptics of the new plan lining the hallways.

“Stop me if I sound crazy,” said software technician Amanda Byrne, at which point I did. Undaunted, she continued on, stating that “[she] always thought that computer viruses were transferred through the Internet and wires and other computers, not the air.” Other people have voiced concerns about screen visibility and whether or not they would be able to open the CD tray through the plastic.

Seizing the opportunity to capitalize on its reputation for being nearly virus-free, Apple has gone so far as to implement a new ad in their well-received ‘Mac v. PC’ series centered around the computer condom. In the commercial, the charming young actor that portrays the Mac offers an apple to the portly actor representing the PC, who is unable to move or speak intelligibly due to the body-condom he has been squeezed into. The Mac laughs as he grinds the apple onto the plastic-covered face of the PC and then mumbles a dead-pan, ‘Dick,’ as he walks off-screen.

The government’s response has been a call to personal responsibility. As in the past, they say, people are going to have to learn to live with a little bit of discomfort in order to protect themselves and their work.

“It’s a small price to pay in order to be sure your computer is safe,” said spokeswoman Brenda Chairzle.

As for the charges that a layer of plastic over the outsdie of a computer will not stop the communication of viral diseases through the Internet, the government feels completely confident in their scientific team, which assures them of the new condom’s effectiveness.

“Look, no one can tell what all this technical mumbo-jumbo means: Internet, wires, blah blah blah…” said Chairzle. “All I know is that we paid our highly skilled team to tell us what works and they have.”

The computer condoms will be distributed from vending machines in offices and at computer stores in San Francisco beginning with next week.