The all girls Catholic primer services children from kindergarten through the fourth grade, run by priests and nuns and several volunteer parents. It is known in the community as a tough school, requiring dedication and hard work from its young pupils. But it is as respected by its graduates as it is feared by those first entering its carved oak doors. For while the school is undoubtedly demanding, it is also incredibly rewarding. Graduates have gone on to attend a variety of prestigious elementary and middle schools and it is near impossible to find one former student who does not look back on their time at St. Mary’s with particular fondness.

But these are only fond memories now of a bygone time. We would not guess that students had any warm feelings towards St. Mary’s based on the past fifty-six hours. For now an aura of tense fear has gripped the school, and nothing is business as usual.

Early Monday morning, a box arrived on campus and its effects have been devasting. The box was supposed to be a shipment of watercolor sets — paints and brushes – for the upcoming Spring Flowers art week. Instead, what was delivered was a box containing a two dozen loaded paintball guns. It is still unclear whether the mix-up is the fault of the paint warehouse or the shipping company, but both have issued official apologies.

Also hazy is how exactly the girls of St. Mary’s came to possses the weapons. Somehow, soon after recess on Monday, all twenty-four guns made it into the hands of students, most suspected to be third graders, though their identities have not been revealed. Using the guns to terrorize their teachers and administrators, the girls soon overtook the school, locking the principal and several “mean” teachers in a custodial closet and forcing all other adults to remain in the cafeteria. For the most part the girls have been keeping themselves hidden. If one emerges from a hiding place she is covered in paint, her face hidden behind a bandana, virtually impossible to recognize.

Police have staked out the school, but are in a stand-still, unwilling to use force. Attempts at negotiations have failed as the students have not made any demands. Parents pleas have been ignored and bribes of candy and later bedtimes seem to have had no affect. Any and all cell phones appear to have been confiscated by the girls. The next move is unclear. Police Chief Dan Wriggles commented, “we’ll just have to wait for them to run out of paint balls.”

The victims, ten women, all Caucasian, all blonde, all ranging in age from 18 to 25, were each found with a ribbon tied to their left pinky toe. Police are calling it a “sick calling card” left by the killer. The killings were thought to be unrelated until the ribbons were analyzed and traced back to the same wholesale ribbon distributor in Tustin, CA.  The similar physical descriptions of the women were called “mere coincidence” by local officials until this discovery. When some reporters suggested that the victims might be targeted because of their gender and that this perhaps was a hate crime by a misogynist psychopath, Chief of Police, Bill Cummings replied, “I don’t follow.”

The officers seem to be most interested in how the ribbons have “really classed up these completely brutal tragedies.” Senior Lieutenant Doug Chipper told press on Tuesday, “This guy is a real class-act. And a total psychopath. But really classy.” The ribbons, made from expensive aubergine silk, are a quarter of an inch thick and double faced satin. Each piece left was exactly 4 inches long and tied in a windsor knot at the base of the victim’s left pinky toe.

At a press conference yesterday, Chief Cummings released details about the ribbon to throngs of reporters who were visibly upset to not have more details directly relating to the victims, the nature of the killings or the murder suspect. Some reporters pressed the Chief with questions such as, “Why do you think the murderer is attacking?” “Are his killings a sign of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?” and “What can local women do to protect themselves?” To these questions, the Chief became angered, yelling at reporters that “Anyone who’d seen this guy’s taste in ribbon would know what a real class act we’re dealing with.” In fact, police seemed almost reluctant to cast the killer in any sort of negative light.

Official descriptions of the suspect are being broadcast and young women are being advised to keep their eyes open for a 6 foot tall, Caucasian male, well-educated, in his late 30s, perhaps wearing spectacles, maybe a professor or political analyst, probably with a six-figure income, nice car, a dog and “dashing good looks.”

The fact that all the ribbon has come from the same wholesaler has also sparked interest, causing many an amateur sleuth to wonder if perhaps the killer is employed by the wholesaler. When contacted last, no move had been made by police to investigate this hunch.

Citizens seeking more information can visit the police website for a more detailed description of the suspect, high resolution photos of the ribbon, and an address for fan letters.