Huntsville, AL – Nelson Mervin of local software firm SoftHere, was excited to learn that his firm had purchased two VOIP Gateways. That was, until he learned that the gateway had absolutely nothing to do with inter-dimensional travel.

“There was like half a second where I thought that my “boss”* Chris, who is really lame and wouldn’t even buy a water cooler when I asked him to, had bought these things that I hadn’t even heard of (which is “unheard of”) that were going to open two holes in the space-time continuum right in the office,” said Mervin, adding that he recalled right away how lame Chris is and wasn’t fooled for any longer than 1/3 of a second.

Mervin went on to say that despite his initial disappointments when he “simply forgot in [his] excitement that a VOIP gateway is really a tool for converting telephony traffic into IP for transmission over a data network” and not a wormhole machine, it really is pretty cool anyway. At this point, his boss Chris popped his head in to the office and told Mervin to “shut up if [he didn’t] want to sound like an asshole in the newspaper.” Mervin set his phaser to stun.

*Here Mervon used “air-quotes”

Wall Street, Main Street, Regal Sunset Lane – it seems wherever you live, the economy is there and it’s about as uplifting and easy to understand as a Tarkovsky film. But, as the saying goes, there is a silver lining to every economic disaster. And while many are feeling the crunch of crumbling banks and skyrocketing interest rates, there is one group that is finding itself on the upside of this downturn.

Imaginary businesses are reporting record increases in their quarterly reports. Those that make their living providing imaginary goods and services are breaking their imaginary bank accounts. “There simply isn’t enough room in my company safe for all the money I’ve made lately!” said “Colonel” James Oregon, pointing to the shoebox by his television. Indeed, it is overflowing with rocks, twigs, magazine cut-outs and troll dolls. Oregon runs a company out of his studio apartment called “Dreams and Things.” He claims to make dreams for local residents. I asked him if people paid him for these dreams, which voluntarily come to dreamer while sleeping. He replied that indeed they did “But people are shy. They don’t come to my house and give me money and say, ‘Thanks Colonel! It was awesome eating marzipan with Bjork last night!’” When asked how he receives payment from these “shy” patrons Oregon explained that his customers leave him money where they know he will find it. “Look!” he exclaims, motioning to some gum wrappers on the ground, “this was just sitting next to the garbage can at the library!”

Economists are scrambling to explain why these business have proved safe guarded from the crisis. And more than a few government officials are suspicious of their success. While companies across America are reporting record layoffs, imaginary businesses are looking to hire more employees, posting ads on non-existent jobsites like shmegslist.org and dreamcareer.com. While they don’t offer pay, they do have exceptional benefits. One recent post boasts a “relaxing 333.33 hour work week, company Unicorn and tons of room for advancement up the bean stock.” One theorist theorized that perhaps these imaginary companies are prospering “because they accept fake money in engage for their imaginary goods and services.” When asked to comment, Nancy Vargas, head of the Gooder Imaginary Business Bureau said, “This is 100% true. Imaginary businesses accept all forms of currency: flowers, soup, invisi-bucks, pesos and of course, the most popular – Monopoly money.” Music to the ears of those who are finding real American greenbacks hard to come by.

No Sympathy Inc is a brand new internet company specializing in security camera systems determined to catch cough-faking employees at their worst. The twist on their product: security camera systems come in the form of sympathy flowers. Video and audio recording, digital relays, temperature taking flying robots, skin swabs are the tip of this liar-catching industry.

“With the provisions in the Patriot Act, we were able to launch our internet company,” said founder and CEO James Black.

Now you may have seen Nanny Diaries with Scarlett Johannsen getting rough with a teddy bear, but that hidden security camera has nothing on No Sympathy Inc. Not even James Bond’s faithful master of devices M would have offered companies such a commodity. Talk about finding out who is loyal to the company.

“We were tired of losing so many employees to ‘sick days’ when we were in the crunch of needed productivity,” said a frequent user of No Sympathy Inc who declined to be identified. “Come on people, how often do you really get sick enough not to go to work? Toughen up and walk it off. It’s called Walking Pneumonia for a reason.”

Many customers of No Sympathy Inc are really pleased with the product and the result. Customers are able to choose from an array of sympathy floral arrangements ranging from $100 to $10,000. The most popular floral arrangements usually include roses, Gerber daises, lilies, tulips, and sunflowers.

Here is how it works: Once an order has been placed, No Sympathy Inc takes one of their pre-made floral arrangements and sends it to the security systems department for outfitting. Depending on the order, a security camera, microphone, temperature gauge, or Bio-swab will be installed.

The security system, digital relay and microphone are typically the standard package and are installed in multiple ways, not to be disclosed here. The temperature gauges and Bio-swabs on the other hand are electronic robots, disguised as part of the flowers or “having come in from the garden” with the flowers. An insider reports that flying robots dressed as ladybugs and fruit flies can do everything from check your temperature to test your white-blood cell count.

CEO Black commented on the security camera technology, “It can’t be obvious or the sick employee will cop onto it. And it’s not the stamen either. Don’t be stupid.”

The flowers are delivered the house of residence listed in the employee file, unless the employee is said to be at the hospital, in which case they are delivered there. The delivery person is compassionate and trust-worthy, and in charge of placing the flowers in the room for optimal viewing. From there a digital relay video feed is sent directly to the employers computer screen for monitoring while other test results are sent to a nearby lab for subsequent delivery.

“Most of the time the person is really sick,” says Nick Stauss, a delivery man for No Sympathy Inc, “and they welcome the company while they’re under the weather.”

Stauss added, “Although when they’re not sick, they do all sorts of goofy stuff when I show up at their door with sympathy flowers. One lady pretended to faint right in her driveway just to try to convince me!”

No Sympathy Inc work, though, stops at the delivery. Once the information from the security camera system sympathy flowers is reviewed, it is up to the individual company to take responsive action.

From information from participating companies, only reprimands have been noted, but companies who use No Sympathy Inc services are gearing up now for future law suits. They see themselves in the right of way for insuring the utmost productivity from their employees.

To date, there is no record of employees that have complained or even noted the security camera systems hidden in their sympathy flowers.

And for No Sympathy Inc, there business will only continue to take off, predict stock market analysts.

“We go public next week,” said CEO Black. “I can’t wait to ring that opening bell.”

Needless to say, no employee at No Sympathy Inc takes too many sick days.

With all the pressures applied to modern homeowners, the need for some quick cash is great. There are rising gas prices, energy prices, health costs, car payments, etc. An equity loan becomes an appealing option. With an equity loan, you can borrow money using your home’s worth as collateral. All you have to do is subtract the amount of money you owe from the appraised worth of your home and you’re left with the equity – an amount of money you can borrow right away. For example, a house worth $300,000 on which you only owe $100,000 leaves you with $200,000 in equity.

In the past, these kinds of loans have not been difficult to get. But with the poor state of our economy stemming from our real estate market, the perceived value of many homes is plunging. An equity loan is affected directly because the amount of money you can borrow depends on how much an appraiser thinks your house is worth. Homes are simply no longer worth as much as they were before the economic downturn.

This is where the Greek columns come into play. In a bid to increase their homes perceived value, homeowners are erecting the classy-looking support poles to the fronts of their homes, regardless of whether it fits with their style of architecture or not.

“Everyone knows that home appraisers are big suckers for the Greek column,” says Julie Swanson, who is one of 11 homeowners on her block having the columns installed to their entrance. “Personally, I’m not even much of a fan, but they aren’t that expensive compared to the boost they’ll give to our home equity, so it’s worth it.”

With columns starting as low as $135, yet yielding $10,000 in perceived value, the trend has swept the nation, ushering in an era of tacky, cheap American architecture potentially unmatched in history. Once reserved for the McMansions of wealthy suburbs, the columns are now being attached to anything, including garages and sheds.

“Even with the rising costs of operation, the volume of business we’re doing right now means that this has become the Golden Age of Greek column installation,” says Tyro Moulakis, the owner of a family-run column business. “We haven’t done this much work since Pericles strode the great halls of Athens. It’s great to see Greek culture having so much wider of an impact right now. My grandfather would have been proud. He would have said ‘Tyro, you have made me proud.’”

While experts say that efforts to similarly pump up the deck installation industry would require federal assistance, other cheap home improvement businesses have been feeling the upswing. A fine-looking birdbath purchased for $100-200 can add $5,000 to a home equity loan. A trellis with flowers growing on it brings $20,000 and a white picket fence can yield results of up to $100,000. Sales are also up for lawn ornaments, especially classy-looking faux statuary.

The results so far have been positive, with many Greek column owners seeing an increase in equity and lightening of their financial burdens. Economist Ray Blidgen is in support of the column building frenzy:

“It’s true that these columns are not necessary from a structural standpoint,” Blidgen says, “but to say they’re not supporting anything would be a falsehood. These columns are supporting the delicate financial web of the modern family, providing the much needed super-thread that will branch off according to the family’s needs and allow them perch safely on top like spiders.”

It’s a strange metaphor, but there is truth in the fact that the loans these columns support a wide range of other loans and payments a family must make, adding a healthy amount of theoretical money that can be used to support other theoretical money in all the right places.

For those able to see the funny side of the financial crisis, the boom in Greek columns holds a particularly rich sense of irony.

“I think it’s amazing,” says comedian Phil Goldman, “that America is supposedly falling like the Roman Empire and our natural reaction is to make our houses look more Roman. It’s like we don’t even care, we’re just thrilled by the theatricality of it all I guess. But don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the idea that this kind of end-times mentality could be exploited to make money: I’m thinking about opening a vomitorium for all the people out there who are sick of all this shit.”

Protesters camping out in the field across from the Faithful Financial offices are a mixture of Jews and wayward Christians who have lost their faith. They were initially attracted to the Christian counselors because of the company’s promise to fix their money problems by teaching them saving tricks and consolidating their debts into one monthly payment that would be given a lower interest rate by most banks. What they weren’t expecting was a wealth of bad advice that brought their shaky financial foundations to the brink of disaster.

“To their credit, they’re the only debt counselors in town who aren’t shameless cons preying on people who make bad financial decisions,” says Moise Steinberg, one of the protest organizers who saw his debt increase three-fold under Faithful Financial’s direction. “It really is a non-profit and they help a whole lot of people without using hidden fees and non-terminable contracts. The problem is that they’re also xenophobic nut-jobs intent on screwing over anyone who doesn’t belong to their church or conform to their ideals.”

Paula Wytowski says that she went to Faithful Financial in a desperate state. “I was up to my nose in credit card debt and I wanted them to get me a lower interest rate. I knew exactly what I wanted. But while I was there, the ‘experts’ convinced me that the best way to get out of it was actually to transfer my balance to a new card with a lower interest rate and then just keep doing that forever. Well, I couldn’t do that forever because eventually I was rejected with such bad credit and now I have ten times the debt I had before. And all this because I don’t bake cookies for old ladies on the weekend, or sit around talking about the Bible like it was the latest OprahBook Club pick.”

Robert Fineglad, a local artist whose work depicting his pre-marital sexual exploits as well as his prodigious drug use, is definitely disapproved of by the Christian community and has a similar story: “I needed some help sorting through my student loans, so my Christian friends recommended Faithful Financial. Either my friends are actually evil or brainwashed or something or those counselors just have some kind of black magic deception powers because they somehow convinced me that the best idea would be to stay in school forever because, according to them, you don’t have to pay student loans ever as long as you’re in school.”

“This turned out to not be the case,” Fineglad added, then broke down into tears.

Faithful Financial denies any wrongdoing in these and other contested cases. They say that they were providing a free service that clients were not forced to follow and if there was ever any doubt about their judgment, it did not have have to be followed.

Martin Hopper, a new adviser with the group, took a defensive stand when accused of biased treatment: “In all my two weeks with this company,” Hopper said, “I have never seen an example of the kind of bias we’re accused of having. I can assure you that we’re not trying to punish non-believers. Maybe we’re just not very good at what we do. Has anyone thought of that? Has anyone looked at our Christian clients? We’re not helping them very much either, but no one ever talks about that.”

Despite Mr. Hopper’s arguments, there is some evidence that Faithful Financial has undermined certain undesirable clients. One example is the case of Charles Bakowski who went to the company for advice and help in getting a small business loan for his S&M supply shop and dominatrix school Lucifer’s Dark Eternal Hole, to be set up in a basement available for rent. Instead of helping him, Mr. Bakowski claims that Faithful Financial actually warned all area banks against giving him a loan, effectively blacklisting him.

Under pressure from the protesters, the county will launch an investigation this month probing whether or not the Christian debt counselors have indeed been undermining the financial stability of non-Christians.

A new Apple device coming out this winter will be the first digital form of the outdoor fire pit. Essentially functioning as an extremely compact, high-powered heating lamp, the iFire© will be hot enough to boil water and heat a radius of 10 feet to 80° in 30° weather. But that’s not all it can do.

The small box (12 in. x 12 in. x 6 in. and weighing a paltry 4 pounds) will have speakers and an iPod dock compatible with any generation and type of iPod. The machine is also a computer, much like the Minimac, but with a screen. There won’t be a modem, because the country doesn’t yet have sufficient wireless coverage in the remote areas one typically camps in, but the iFire will come fully loaded with survival tips, wilderness education tools, ideas for outdoor activities, and an extensive range of folklore, scary stories and camp songs complete with guitar tablature and karaoke recordings. There will also be a digital encyclopedia and a comprehensive list of classical literature, both of which can be downloaded to an e-book.

“We were trying to create the ultimate camping tool,” says Brian Witching, one of the iFire’s creators. “I got the idea from watching Kubrick’s 2001. I saw all those monkeys jumping around the big black thing that’s supposed to have given them intelligent thought or something and I thought, ‘Well, what if that big black obelisk was portable and you actually knew what it did and it was easy to use?’”

“We envision the iFire as an all-in-one tool you can use to bond with your family, friends and the world around you,” says Leah Roodles, a senior marketing official for the project. “Imagine a whole field full of families all huddled around their own little machine, quietly absorbing digital enlightenment in the dead of night. Ok, imagine that image doesn’t seem so ominous, but instead inspiring. It’s time to bring camping into the 21st century.”

Facing criticism that the iFire will actually disengage users from their environment by pulling all of their attention into the abstract realm of information rather than forcing people to exist in a more natural state as camping has traditionally done, Apple spokespeople are quick to point out that the iFire can be used an educational tool.

“You can learn a lot about your environment on this machine, and you can then go out and explore in the nature that surrounds you,” says Ms. Roodles. “The iFire is like any other digital tool; it is at its most optimal use when acting as a supplement to enrich human life, rather than the sole focus.”

Still, some critics point out that kids these days know a lot more about computers than they do about nature. Even if the computer is a tool for learning about nature it could prove so distracting that kids might spend all their time camping reading about their environment instead of participating in it. Also, says Gene Hickman of the digital culture magazine Compy2000, “Kids these days are computer whizzes. They’ve grown up in the digital age like no one else before and it would be easy for some savvy little brat to hack the iFire and install games.”

Regardless of the iFire’s ethical merits, it is an incredible feat of engineering and a big step forward in the Digital Age. The iFire is weather-proofed and protected to a point unheard of in computing to this point and it is one of the first commercial machines to use solar power almost extensively. The machine draws power from the solar panels on its outside, but can also be hooked up to a car adapter. Beefed-up versions of the iFire are already in production for military and field research purposes. These machines are larger and more powerful and come equipped with a satellite modem for constant GPS and weather updates. They also cost a lot more, starting at 10,000 dollars, 3.5 thousand more than the civilian model.

“At 6,500 dollars, the iFire does cost a fair amount of money now,” admits Ms. Roogles, “but for what it can do, it’s entirely worth it and will only get cheaper and better as time goes on. What other machine is going to give you access to the best of human thought while deep in the woods at the same time that it tells you when the hot-dog it is roasting is browned to perfection?”

For better or for worse, the future is here and there can be no better representation that the iFire. For those concerned with the loss of a previous century’s aesthetics, fear not: the iFire comes with a campfire screensaver complete with hours of recorded crackling and a simulated smoke smell.

Real eye-watering, suffocating smoke not included.

For those of you that have been living under rocks, or “working eight hour days at real jobs” instead of watching long stretches of basic cable, the MENOCU Magnetic Sleeper is rival product of the famous Kinoke Food Pads – a cloth pad, infused with ancient oils, sold in a box of twenty, for $29.99. These pads are strapped to the bottom of your feet before sleep and reputed to remove toxins from the blood stream while you sleep at night. The evidence of its healing properties is the way the pad has turned black while you sleep! White when it goes on at night, black in the morning. The longer you wear the pads, the less toxins you will have in your body and the less hard the pads will have to work. Each night, a new white pad will go on, and each morning, it should be less and less black. When the pads are pale grey or white, you can sleep soundly knowing the demons have been successfully sucked out the soles of your feet.

The MENOCU Magentic Sleeper functions under the exact same principle, but it’s fanatic following will be the first to frantically point out the ways in which it differs from Kinoke foot pads. Mainly, these differences are made of one difference: its size. As its ad states, “Ladies the world over have known it for years: bigger is always better.” And the MENOCU de-toxification product is indeed bigger. While Kinoke footpads measure a measley four by six inches, the smallest MENOCU Magnetic Sleeper is large enough to generously cover a twin size bed. (The largest drapes a California King).

This size also makes the MENOCU product work more quickly than its counterpart. While the foot pads detoxify through the feet, taking two to three weeks to fully remove toxins, the MENOCU magnetic mattress pad has access to a much larger surface area and therefore, takes only three nights to fully remove all harmful toxins.

Doctors warn that this rapid removal causes nervous system damage and hair loss, but the balding testimonials of the MENOCU Experience Show seem refreshed and rejuvenated. They cannot stop singing praises for MENOCU, nor can they stop blinking their left eyes.

Determined to get to the truth of the matter, Nonsense Newsperts and our advanced team of uncredentialed scientists tested the mattress pad to see if and how well it worked. They found that, it did not. The MENOCU Magnetic Sleeper claims to remove, among various other toxins, Diglyceral, a substance found in aerosol spray paint. Our scientists huffed paint for weeks before trying out the pads and later found no traces of Diglyceral in any of the thick, foul-smelling, layer of sticky blackness that coated the pads. As one lab operator put it, “at $59.99 a pop, the only thing this pad removes is money.” Pretty clever, Jake. Don’t get any ideas about being a writer now. You just keep feeding the lab rats.

The best results, farmers and scientists have found, come from fruit and vegetables that have been sung to. Something about the tonal qualities in the human voice cause the fruits to perform at above-average rates. A friend and avid Music-Fruit enthusiast told me over the phone Sunday, “I bit into a Sung-To Orange. It was like a Citrus Explosion! I can’t imagine eating regular fruit ever again.”

Indeed the results of this new technology do appear to have staggering benefits and absolutely no negative effects. But at what cost? Sung-To Produce is so expensive that only the yuppiest yuppies can afford it, though developers claim that by 2012 Sung-To fruit and vegetables will be as affordable as an organic pineapple.

Another question that no one is asking is: Who is singing to this fruit? Children’s voices have proved especially fruitful and children across the third world are quickly being enlisted into song camps where they sing from the darkest hours of dawn until late into the night, all for the benefit of upper-class produce consumers in industrialized nations. Their working conditions are far from satisfactory and several large produce harvesters are currently under investigation. Children sleep with their fruit, exposed to the elements. But straight from the mouths of babes: “It beats sewing shoes at Nike.”

For those of you who feel the tickle in the back of your brain at the name Henry Adler but can’t place the reference, reel your mind back to 1942, the year that Gertrude Warner published The Boxcar Children, the first installment of her opus chronicling the Adler family’s leadership in the Children’s Revolution. Henry, the eldest sibling and natural leader, is now back in the spotlight at 73 and loving every minute of it.

“The work we did all those years back has come to fruition today,” Adler announced at the opening of Kidsville. “The kids don’t need us adults, they’re much better off without us. I think my family and I proved that back in the 40′s and I’m proud to have given the chance to today’s children.”

A tour of Kidsville serves to confirm Adler’s enthusiasm. Located in an abandoned lot right next to a highway, the complex houses several dozen cars, vans and trailers strewn at random. Each vehicle has been decorated, often with local weeds. Three green areas have been constructed: two for self-sustained farming and one for jumping through sprinklers and playing games. The kids mostly fixed a used trampoline and a section has also been reserved for smashing discarded industrial objects for fun. The constant screams of what can only be assumed is laughter testify to a life of pure joy and unadulterated fun.

“It’s fun here,” says Joel Manuel, 12. “I like it.”

Joel says that during the day he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He doesn’t have to go to “stupid school” anymore and enjoys having the chance to turn every whim that comes into his un-reined psyche into a reality. “Yesterday I started a tomato fight in the garden and then we all ate the tomatoes out of each other’s hair just like monkeys,” says Manuel. “It was hilarious.” According to Joel, everyone gets along, “except for Poop, Raisin and Keebler don’t really like Ponygirl and Trisha” because the girls said that Big Bear, Fart-Face and Ryan, close allies of Poop’s crew, are “super annoying.”

While the kids are mostly left to fend for themselves, adult supervision does exist in the form of Adler who lives on the edge of Kidsville in an old boxcar he outfitted himself. Although his days of mowing Dr. Moore’s lawn to make enough cash for his family to survive are long over, his role remains much the same as it was when he moved his brothers and sisters into their original boxcar: serving to protect the group and teach them gentle lessons of self-sufficiency. There is a meeting every morning in which Adler prompts the children to make a list of things that need to happen during the day and divvy up the work.

“San Jose really is an ideal place to rekindle the flame of the Children’s Revolution,” says Adler. “There’s a lot of immigrant families in the Central Valley that are struggling enough to make ends meet that they don’t mind unloading the burden of one or two kids. Obviously the kids love it, and it’s mild enough weather here that they can live outdoors year round. Even when it cold, it’s not so bad that they can’t steal a couple of coats and blankets to stop the shivering at night.”

Although there have been outcries from the ranks of high school English teachers, wondering how everyone could have forgotten Lord of the Flies, most people are in favor of the new community. The mayor says that he is excited to see the youth of San Jose stand up and take responsibility for themselves for once while. Social researchers and intellectuals of all stripes are interested to see how the dynamics of the group will play out over a long period of time. “These kids are basically the most interesting subjects I’ve ever seen,” says economist Rolph Doogly. “I can’t wait to see how a pristine human society will naturally develop a capitalist market of its own.”

Even the parents of Kidsville’s 100 or so children are happy about the situation. They are still able to visit their children whenever they want to and of course can take them home at any point in time.

“It’s a lot like a permanent summer camp you don’t have to pay for,” says parent Hilda Treehorn. “I’m proud my son is growing up like some kind of wild animal and it sure helps to keep our bills down.”

PAW-PALS, just one long (very sharp) claw of a month after its grandiose opening, has gone out of business. PAW-PALS set up shop on the corner of Jefferson and Oak, in what for decades was the much beloved Smitty’s – providing overpriced liquor and under priced prostitutes to the townsfolk. Now the edifice is hung with banners announcing “Liquidation SALE,” “Everything Must Go,” “ATM INSIDE,” “CLOSED,” and “Mailboxes, Etc. Coming Soon.”

The concept for PAW-PALS came to being solely through founder and owner, Jeffrey Sentose, respected local businessman. “I dreamed up the notion of PAW-PALS,” Sentose reports, “while walking my cat one crisp autumn morning. I ran into my neighbor upon the sidewalk. She too was out to stretch her legs and while she shares with me the characteristic of owning a cat, she was, at the current moment, sans feline.”

A life-long pet lover and avid pet aficionado, the neighbor, Janice Hines, stopped to admire Sentose’s four-legged companion (the cat). She cooed for several minutes at the furry friend, seeming to believe the feline to be some sort of small child and, upon completion of the necessary baby-babble, announced that her own cat and Mr. Sentose’s cat should “get together sometime. Ya know, like a play date.”

Now, close family and friends have described Mr. Sentose as a man “born with dollar signs in his eyes.” So, not one to miss an opportunity to cash in on a great idea, Sentose lit up like a light. The next week, Smitty’s was out of business and PAW-PALS was ordering seven Bounce-Houses for the ceremonious commencement.

PAW-PALS was founded on this idea of “cat play dates” and offered a space, much like an indoor “cat park” or “kitten jungle-gym” or “meow-meow obstacle course.” Cat owners could, for a small fee, bring in their felines to mix and mingle with other local gatos. The shop, Sentose promised, would thrive and bring a much-needed boost to the economy of the neighborhood. His premise, unfortunately, was flawed at best.  Now, a month after its humble beginnings, PAW-PALS has deserted this town like ants leaving a flooded picnic.

Many cannot understand why the business did not succeed. However, as local cat expert (or Catspert) Giles Walker reported, “cats don’t like other cats.” Shedding more light on the situation, he continued, “there’s a reason you don’t see cat parks.” And elaborating on his hypothesis, “cats don’t enjoy being around other cats. They are territorial animals that hiss and fight and generally do not get along.”

Reporters have been unable to obtain eyewitness testimony, with everyone who observed the collapse of PAW-PALS at home “licking their wounds.” The only leads reporters could latch onto were police noise disturbance reports by neighbors complaining of “frequent mrrrowwwwwwwws [sic] loud and shrill enough to chill the bones of any man,” as well as city sanitation committees reporting street sweeper brushes full of hairballs. City officials have taken to calling the incident a real “catastrophe.”

Sentose was not available for comment on the shattering of his dreams. He is currently receiving treatment at the Good Samaritan Hospital for claw-inflicted wounds.