It’s happened to all of us, whether we be the thrower or the dodger. When that feeling of complete fury comes over you, the natural response is to pick up a dish and throw it. It’s instinctual. Now, despite a stabilizing of fine china incidents in recent years, the cathartic hurling of expensive dish-ware is on the rise again, according to recent reports from the kitchen product magazine Forksight.

“20% of assault cases report cracked porcelain against the walls, 27% for kidnappings, 80% for white collar fraud, and a whopping 93% for domestic disputes,” writes James Drandall. “These kind of numbers haven’t been seen since Prohibition was put into effect.”

“There’s no doubt that dish-throwing is back,” says Jerry Plotski, a local police officer. Mr. Plotski says that the majority of cases he reports on these days are grisly scenes with cracked finery strewn across the ground. “Even at a crime scene that’s outside, say on the freeway or something, I’ll find a couple broken dishes. It’s like people are carrying these things around just to throw them. Vicious.”

Amidst all the ceramic carnage, fine china advocates are searching for an answer as to why these incidents have now been increasing after a steady decade of quieting down.

“We want to know why people are losing respect for these beautiful dishes,” says Linda Barstali, a member of the poorly named People’s Group for China (PGC). Ms. Barstali points out that one of the greatest clues we have is what variety of dishes are being broken and by whom.

“It used to be,” continued Ms. Barstali, “that you would never see the real beautiful stuff being thrown. Most dishes that got broken were Kmart brand or Target, something relatively cheap. Now whenever I go to the scene of the crime, I’m seeing Mikasa Italian Countryside, I’m seeing Waterford Ballet Ribbon. Last week I even saw an entire Portmeirion Botanic Garden 17 piece starter set just completely smashed on the ground, dishes with a retail of over $400.”

Dish-throwing, as countless mid-life crisis movies such as American Beauty have shown us, is by no means limited to the lower class, yet historically the numbers have shown a higher percentage among lower and lower-middle class dish-owners. Now it seems that things are turning around, and more than ever, expensive dishes living in what once were considered safe families have reason to fear. Randy Newminz, a 43-year-old admitted dish thrower, attributes the rise in fine china violence to the mounting economic and political stresses our country is going through.

“There’s a lot to worry about out there and it puts people on edge,” says Newminz. “I’m trying to support my daughter who can’t find a job after she just got her degree, I’m trying to put my other daughter through college. I’m trying to fill my tank and I’m trying to figure out which candidate is going to help me do all these things and I’m stressed out. I should have just sold the [beautiful] dishes on eBay, but I broke them on the wall instead.”

While official statements from dish manufacturers speak of “protecting the inherit grace of the objects and not wasting precious craftsmanship,” it is clear that they couldn’t be happier. All those people who break their dishes are being forced to buy new ones. Many of the top designer brands have introduced cheap, utilitarian lines to try to hold on to customers like Mr. Newminz who break their dishes out of frustration and anxiety over their financial futures and would feel disinclined to replace the dishes with expensive china.

Police say they would like to do something about the dish-throwing problem, but that to do so would be out of their bounds.

“There’s really nothing we can do about it,” says Mr. Plotski. “If you were to hurt someone with the dish, we could get you for it, but other than that, as long as it’s your dish and it’s your home, you can smash it against the wall all you like.”

Norris, the 68 year old martial arts champion and media star, says that he has always found the opera to be a “beautiful, moving tribute to Enlightenment philosophy and the triumph of the human spirit, even if it was written by a Kraut.” He thanked Steel for giving him the opportunity to broaden himself and try something he had always dreamed of as a boy, but never imagined he could have achieved: directing opera.

“Many people don’t know this about me,” said Norris at the announcement of his directorship, “but for a lot of my childhood, I was a complete pussy. Obviously, I’m no pussy now and that means there’s gonna be a few changes to the Magic Flute. If any of you have any complaints about that, I have no qualms whatsoever with kicking you into next week, waiting around until I catch up and then kicking you right back here. Take a look at that guy bleeding in the corner. I already did it to him.”

“I will also kick anyone that complains about my use of the space-time continuum,” added Norris, addressing that there is much that might confuse those who are not masters of Chun Kuk Do, the martial art he himself created.

In the original opera, Prince Tamino is saved from a serpent by the lady assistants to the Queen of the Night. The Queen then enlists Tamino’s help in freeing her beautiful daughter Pamina from the sorcerer Sarastro by promising the young prince Pamina’s hand in marriage. Tamino is given a magic flute that can change men’s hearts and he sets out with his sidekick Papageno to win his lady, enduring several trials before the lovers are finally united.

In the updated, “Chuckified” version, the fight with the serpent will dominate the first Act, ending with Tamino destroying the beast with lasers from his eyes. The Queen of the Night, impressed with his fighting skills and his animal magnetism, will beg to sleep with him and ask that he free her daughter. Tamino will refuse her advances in an eloquent speech about the inherit evil of premarital sex, but agree to free her daughter only because the challenge against Sorastro is so great. In Act II, Tamino fools the sorcerer into an epic martial arts competition, which he wins by doing a back-flip onto the sorcerer’s shoulders and crushing his skull by flexing his thighs. Tamino and Pamina are then married and the opera ends with Tamino winking at the audience as his blushing bride leads him to the bedroom.

“Besides changing the plot,” continued Norris, “I think I’d like to maybe see about translating it into English so we understand what the hell they’re singing about. And the music’s a bit dated, frankly. I’m thinking about getting the guy that does the music for Law and Order maybe. I don’t know, it’s all a bit up in the air.”

Mr. Steel, who spent most of the announcement on the side of the stage with his head in his hands, simply shrugged when he was asked why he had given so much power to so unusual a director. “We can’t keep performing operas if no one comes to see them,” he said. “We’re trying to reach out to the general public and spread a love of opera to people who normally wouldn’t come watch it. Mr. Norris has the ability to get many levels of the public excited enough to keep our company from bankruptcy, regardless of whether we have to sacrifice all our artistic integrity or not.”

After a three-week run at the the Music Hall in Dallas, the opera will tour public schools throughout Texas. Educators are hopeful that some scrap of the original material will remain to inspire their students, though it seems less than likely. Martial arts trainers, on the other hand, are ecstatic.

“We’ll be providing all of the stunt training for Chuck,” says Bryce “Lee” McDowell, owner of Kung Pow Fighting School. “The man himself will actually be in our school for a special tutorial on November 12th, so mark your calenders, kids, and come meet the man who can watch an entire 60 minutes program in only 20 minutes!” McDowell continued, quoting from a popular website called The Truth about Chuck Norris that encourages readers to send in made-up “facts” about the legendary figure.

The opera is expected to draw the largest audience the Dallas Opera Company has ever seen. If things go smoothly and the Chuckified opera is well received, there are talks of adapting it for an ice show in winter. Tickets for the Magic Flute, running at the Dallas Music Hall for the first three weeks of November, are on sale now.

Norris, who climbed to fame in the 1980s with such media classics as Cooking with Norris and Chuck’s Buck: A Critical Look at the Global Economy, has released his plans for a new multi-media system that threatens to turn the art community on its head. The system is a comprehensive educational tool that promises to teach, train and certify Joe, Jane and Jimmy Q. Public in the ways of Antique Appraisal. “Charles’ All-in-One Antique Appraisal Entity” includes instruction DVDs, Internet classes, bi-annual colloquiums, and Norris’s patented “Learn-a-thon” workbook. Purchase of the $29.99 system–which comes in a tall, extremely heavy, brass cylinder–also grants the owner free and unlimited access to ChatWithChuck.com, Norris’ website for 24 hour Q&A and Appraisal Troubleshooting. When asked why the purchase price remains so low, Norris explained that he believes antique appraisals should be available to all, regardless of income level. Representatives from Norris, Inc. cited his generous and charitable spirit, showing the crowd a photo-essay depicting Mr. Norris donating several ornate ottomans to families in need.

Norris waxed lyrical earlier this week, expressing his heart-felt desire for the American public to embrace “the infinitely fulfilling science of appraising,” emphasizing its ability to “connect each and every one of us to the past that bore us into this present” as well as our ancestors “for those of us who have ‘em.” After a twelve-minute tangent about the emotional poverty of orphans and what we can all do to help them (“sedatives”), Norris returned to his topic of antiques. In a move that was both shocking and inane, Norris declared that his first love, commonly thought to be his late horse Daffodil, is in fact finding, appraising and restoring antiques, particularly Civil War era weaponry and Yuan Dynasty textiles. The Texan Ranger went on to assert that appraising is his “one true super power,” shattering widely held beliefs among twelve year old boys that Norris can make himself invisible at will.

Hailed by many commoners with gleeful and blind reverence, this news was ill-received by members of the art world near and far. Many at the press conference were visibly shaken and appeared unable to mask their reactions. Several prominent critics were in tears and more could be heard muttering French and German curse words. Appraisers and Dealers Union Local 378 released a statement Tuesday morning expressing fear and anger over Norris’ “ignorant and utterly foolish disregard for our elitist hierarchy.”

Norris, Inc. has not offered to respond to the ADU’s comments at this time. Although an anonymous source from inside the Norris camp hinted that the ADU should check their mail, as they are likely to soon be receiving “a portmanteau full of whoopass.”