Disgruntled Obama Now Considering Death Panels

After weeks of diligently beating back unsubstantiated rumors of government run “death panels” which would dictate the fates of the elderly, President Barack Obama today signaled that he is now open to the idea.

Speaking to an AP reporter after a particularly grueling town hall in which five separate individuals raised concerns about “death panels”, and two individuals warned the President “not to socialize medicare,” Obama was quoted as saying:

“After weeks of town hall meetings, and listening to citizens tell me their concerns, I have determined that government run euthanasia might not be such a bad idea after all.”

While the President was vague on specifics, he said that the panels will be pushed for in the next draft of the health care bill, and that they would focus “on those who are simply too stupid to live, like that woman in the front right.”

News of the President’s reversal in his death panel stance produced strong reactions from both sides of the aisle, with many democrats expressing alarm, and many others – similarly frustrated by the recent discourse – welcoming the move.

“After hosting numerous town halls, I can say with total confidence that my constituents deserve death panels,” said Massachusetts representative Barney Frank.  “Particularly that crazy woman from last week AND her whore of a mother.”

Republicans, however, seemed firm in their opposition, with Sens. McCain and McConnell both moving quickly to blast the statement.

“This is fundamentally wrong,” said Senator McConnell.  “The government should not be telling people to die.  This is the job of private industry.”

“Whenever government gets involved in trying to run things, it spells trouble,” McConnell elaborated in written statement later in the day.  “Death panels should be run by the private insurers, not government bureaucrats.”

Former G.O.P. Presidential candidate John McCain had some particularly harsh words for his former opponent, calling Obama “naive” and “short-sighted” in an editorial for the Washington Post.

Citing the longer life-expectancy of countries like Canada, England, Japan, Germany, Norway, France, and others, McCain wrote that “government run health-care has been a disaster wherever it has been attempted.  Countries which have socialized their medicine seem incapable of running a decent death panel.  Death can be delayed for weeks and even years in these socialist systems. I trust the ingenuity of the American capitalist spirit to ensure the efficiency of our death panels, and I will oppose any plan that threatens to take them out of the hands of private industry.”

Whether or not the President will be successful in his new direction for healthcare remains to be seen, and he will no doubt have some large hurdles to climb.  However, some political commentators have expressed a belief that this amended bill will be able to find enough support in the Senate and the House to override any filibuster.

“I don’t think many people understand how frustrated members of Congress are right now,” said Democratic commentator and James Carville.  “Promising that they might get to help kill people is the one thing that might be able to unite Republicans and Democrats.  Seriously, I think the reversing his position on Death Panels is the best move the President has made.”

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