Move Over Botox

Burbank, CA – Desperate, overly wealthy women across the greater Los Angeles area are throwing down their botox needles and picking up a little baggie of white powder. And though yes, cocaine is trendy again, this chalky substance won’t make you dance all night long and blab endlessly about crap nobody cares about. Much better! It will banish your wrinkles like a shoplifter from a Wal-Mart.

Being hailed as the new “miracle cure” to aging by Cosmetic Surgery Aficionados Magazine, this veritable fountain of youth is being taken up by every woman, man and handbag dog that has taken the pledge to “stay young forever or die trying.” So what is the wonder drug of this century? Two hints: it’s highly dangerous and your child’s school is chalk full of it. Figured it out? No? It’s asbestos!

This grouping of fibrous crystals has been banned in several countries due to the fact that it’s highly lethal. The history of asbestos is relevant but boring, so let’s just say that it was a very popular building material before being discovered as crazily dangerous. Builders loved it then for the same reasons shallow socialites love it now – asbestos is incredibly strong and will hold up under intense heat, like the heat you would encounter in a Los Angeles summer or outside a Miss Christian Texas Pagent.

The benefits of asbestos were found by six Chilean scuba divers off the coast of a the Galapagos, though details of the discovery are still being withheld by Chile’s government. Blue asbestos, the rare cousin of white, or “common” asbestos, is found only in Africa and Australia. There it is mined by beautiful Aborigine children, whose tiny fingers can grasp the chalky minerals without disrupting their structural integrity. The crystallized blue asbestos is rumored to reverse the effects of botched breast implants, though scientists are not yet ready to release definite findings.

Young starlets and porn-stars aren’t waiting though. Both the blue and white toxins are already being sold on eban.com, an ebay-like auction site for black market items. As of 9:53 am EST, two ounces of cream asbestos was going for $1,455.01. Chemists are taking out full page ads in Variety warning against the purchase of this un-monitored substance, but several out-of-work actors have already confessed to falling victim to asbestos scams. Thinking they were buying top of the line anti-aging asbestos, they were horrified to open their diamond-encrusted crystal jar to find it filled with fiber glass and toothpaste.

Unfortunately, the down sides of Anti-Aging Asbestos Treatments do persist. It is lethal in too high a dose, and it remains illegal. Banned by the FDA and classified as a hazardous material by the ECG, this substance remains highly controversial. Undeterred, women across the mainland United States refuse to douse their flame of hope, and will not squelch their spark of belief in a youthful beauty that transcends the passage of time. The word “asbestos” itself is derived from Greek and means “inextinguishable.” Inextinguishable like the cockroaches that will survive the apocalypse and that’s precisely what these women hope to be.

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